


Be Found

by cakesnake



Series: The Sun Burns Bright [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: A sequel to Stars In Our Eyes, Can Heidi be MY mom?, Everybody Lives/Nobody Dies, M/M, Mostly Fluff, Soulmate AU, Tw: Eating disorder (not specified), Whoops I lied, a lil bit of Galaxy Gals, because I can't let things go, college fic, i love them and want them to be happy, one day I won't rely on angst to write anything compelling, sorry - Freeform, theres also angst, treebros, tw: suicide attempt mention
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-11
Updated: 2017-08-07
Packaged: 2018-11-12 20:41:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 31,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11169678
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cakesnake/pseuds/cakesnake
Summary: Things were going to get better once classes started. Things could only get better from there.Or, Soulmates Evan and Connor go to college.





	1. You'll Find Yourself in College

It didn't take long now that Evan was in college for that feeling of being out of place, of unbelonging, that slight uncomfortable feeling that permeated every encounter, to seep back into his life. He had been setting up his dorm for a grand total of two hours when he realised that this was where he lived now. Alone. All _alone_.

Evan had specifically requested a single because of his anxiety. He liked people just fine, he just knew that sleeping in the same room as a total stranger would not be good for him. Even so, he looked around and realised he had no one here.

Sure, the blues and yellows and greens of the things he had brought with him stayed, those colours that signalled that Connor was there, always with him, but he wasn't there. With him. Instead, having helped Heidi drop him off, and with a bittersweet goodbye kiss, he was on his way to Binghamton. He was so far away. Not as far away as Evan's mom would now be, but further away than Evan would like. Just this morning he had woken up in a significantly duller room curled up against his boyfriend, calmer than he thought he would be on the day he moved to college. Evan wondered how long it would be before he was able to do that again.

He stopped and calmed his racing heart. Connor had promised to call tonight, to talk to him through the night if need be. Need would probably be, because even now, with the sun still out, Evan could feel the oddness of a new place seeping into his bones, and the strange sounds and smells baiting his anxiety.

His mom was driving back home today. It was a long while away, their town, nearly five and a half hours away, and knowing that his mom couldn't always be present when he needed her seemed like a much smaller problem when he hadn't moved out.

He sat down on the unmade bed he and Connor had struggled to loft, neither of them ever really having had their dads around to teach them things like that, and he did one of the breathing exercises his therapist has taught him.

Things were going to get better once classes started. Things could only get better from there.

* * *

The first day of classes hadn't got any better. Evan had done the preliminary reading, had read almost the entire textbook in preparation, but nothing could have prepared him for the feeling of sitting among a hundred or so students, all trying and failing to be quiet. Evan felt like he was drowning in ambient noise, the small coughs, scratches, tapping, breathing, everything drowned out the professor, and he couldn't get out of his head enough to take decent notes.

His phone dinged with a notification, and he could feel all eyes on him, staring, judging. Everyone hated him. He looked down to see he had received a text from Connor.

 **Connor, 11:45am:** Take deep breaths. It's not as bad as you think. I love you, you're gonna do great.

Of course. Connor could feel his heart rate accelerating by the minute. And Evan wished he could say that the text had helped, but with his ignorance of turning his phone on silent for class, all Evan could feel was the shame of interrupting the lecture. Evan did as the text said and focused on his breathing.

_In for seven, hold for six, out for seven. In for seven, hold for six, out for seven. In for seven, hold for six, out for seven. In for-_

The kid next to him nudged his arm. “Look, I get you're overwhelmed, but you're distracting me. Could you do that quieter?” He whispered.

And all calm Evan had was gone. He couldn't stay here. He was already the freak who breathes too loud, who can't turn his phone on silent, who can't keep his chill for an hour long lecture. Before he knew it, he was scrambling to put his laptop in his bag and was tucking odds and ends into pockets and making his way quickly down the aisle. He had to get outside, where he could breathe.

“Excuse me, Mr?”

The professor was looking at him, talking to him. Was expecting him to supply his name.

“H-Hansen.” He choked out.

Oh god.

“Mr Hansen, it is not common practice to walk out during lectures. If you have something you need to discuss with me regarding this, please see me after class.”

He couldn't breathe. Couldn’t speak. He heard snickers and whispers as he earnestly nodded his head and kept his eyes on the floor trying to blink away the tears that threatened to fall and the black spots that were starting to cloud his vision. Behind him he heard the professor continue with the lecture.

And finally, finally, he was outside, breathing the fresh free air, and his lungs decompressed and he collapsed into a bench. His phone gave another ding.

 **Connor, 11:51am:** Are you okay, your heart rate got really high just now.

Evan deliberated for a moment.

 **Ev, 11:52am:** Please call me.

A moment later his phone was ringing, and even though he had expected it, it still made Evan jump.

“Hello.”

_"Ev, what's wrong?"_

And hearing Connors voice attached to those words, the care and concern in his voice, Evan couldn't hold back the tears.

“Class was a disaster.” He sobbed. “I couldn't focus, and I got so anxious, and I was trying those breathing exercises Doctor Sherman taught me before I left, and I was breathing too loud, and everybody was looking at me like I was a freak, and so I decided to leave, and the professor singled me out, and oh my god, I'm pathetic.”

Connor was silent on the line for a moment. “ _You're not pathetic, Evan. And you're not a freak. Let your professor know about your anxiety, and see if there's a way to attend lecture online. It's a high stress environment, and it might be better if you were able to watch videos of lecture Instead of actually attending. Your mental health is just as important as your education, and your professor has to understand that. There's a solution to every problem you come across, don't forget that._ ”

Evan breathed for a moment, and let the warm familiarity of Connor's voice soothe him.

“I miss you.” He said.

" _You saw me yesterday, Ev._ ” Connor chuckled, but there was an edge to it. “I miss you too.”

Both of them sighed into the receiver. “I think this is going to be the longest year ever.”

" _I hope not. I don't want my second full year with you in my life, and coincidentally, the first full year with you just out of reach to be the longest._ "

Evan nodded, aware that Connor couldn't see him, but knowing he would take Eva's silence as agreement. “It's gonna be more than that, though, because I was planning to do a doctorate, and-”

“ _Wait, you were planning to make me an academic widow?_ ”

Evan couldn't help but laugh at that. “I think the words you're looking for is ‘widower’ but yes. I was gonna go for a PhD.”

" _And now?_ ”

“I couldn't even get through one lecture. How am I going to get through god knows how many years of school, and several thesis’ and living in this town forever and-”

" _You're saying you're going to be a doctor. Like full on. We can introduce ourselves as Mr and Doctor?_ ” Connor seemed stuck on the subject.

“It's a little early to think about marriage.”

" _Oh, come on, like we aren't going to be together forever. We may as well accept that someday it'll happen. Oh my god, ‘You may kiss the doctor.’ That's so great._ ” Connors tone was blasé, with a tinge of excitement.

“Connor, this isn't helping my anxiety.” He pleaded.

" _Right, sorry, I didn't want to put pressure on you. I meant in the future. Far off, distant, not right now. So, with how hard that lecture was, you're doubting your ability to complete a doctorate?_ ”

“Mhmm.”

“ _Don't. You are the most hardworking persistent person I have ever met who isn't Alana. If anyone I know can make it through a doctorate, it's you. So after we finish on this phone call, and you feel better, and the lecture finishes, you're going to go and talk to you professor, and get them understanding of your situation. You may as well go and talk to admin as well, if you're feeling up to it. Tonight you need to find yourself a therapist in area, because you know you need the support. And call me tonight. We can talk about it. Remember I love you and I believe in you._ ”

Evan nodded. “Thank you. You always know what to say. You're always so calm about my freak outs.”

" _Well, it's not like it's soothing to hear the person you're asking for help agree that the world's on fire. I make a point of staying calm when you're not. It helps us balance the stress out._ "

Evan smiled. “It does. How are you going? What day do classes start for you?”

“ _Classes started three days ago, Ev. They're going well. It's too bad I can't declare a major now, I know what I'm doing. English Major with a focus on Rhetoric. It's a prerequisite for the teaching Masters._ ” He said, matter of factly.

“I'm sorry I didn't call you-”

" _Evan, I know how uncomfortable you are with calling people, I'm not holding it against you._ "

Evan watched a line of students file out of the classroom, all of them chatting, making small talk. Evan ducked his head, and held his phone closer to his ear. “Class just got out.” He told Connor in hushed tones.

" _I could tell, I just felt you heart rate speed up. How are you feeling?_ "

“Kinda sick. Very anxious. How do I do this?”

" _You tell him about your diagnosis, and ask him about possible ways to make allowances for it._ "

“I- how do I start?”

" _I don't know, you just start. You can do this. I promise you can do this._ "

“I love you.”

" _I love you too. You can do this. Call me tonight?_ "

“I will. Talk to you later.”

“ _Talk to you later._ ” The hang up tone came over the phone and Evan took a deep breath and stood to ready himself as the last of the students trickled out of the doors. He walked back up to the front of the lecture hall.

“Professor Bennet. You- you asked me to come and see you after class?”

“Mr Hansen. Yes. Did you want to give me an explanation as to why you walked out of my lecture fifteen minutes in?”

Evan took a deep breath to steel himself for this. “Yes, I-I-I did. I, um, I got really overwhelmed, I have- I've been diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder, and Generalised Anxiety Disorder, and um, several other disorders, the point is, um, I don't deal well with these sort of situations and I couldn't deal with it. My anxiety and the ambient noise kind of set me off.”

“So you want to talk about ways around this?”

“Yessir,verymuchso.” The words came tumbling out of his mouth before he thought about them.

“The environment of lecture halls is too much for you?”

“It seems so yes.”

“So perhaps a way around that would be to ask someone for the notes on lectures?”

“Respectfully sir, I can't. And wouldn't that defeat the purpose of being marked present?”

The professor sighed. Evan could tell this was going to be a long conversation. He was going to miss the start of Calculus.

* * *

As it turned out, going and speaking to admin was his best port of call, because now all of his teachers were filled in on his diagnosis, and he was emailing them about possible solutions to possible problems.

He was so caught up in this small accomplishment that he almost forgot to call Connor, which is why his phone ringing unexpectedly startled him so much. After a moment to compose himself, he picked the phone up.

“H-Hello?”

“ _Evan!_ ” His mother replied. It would be a while before he could get to calling Connor back.

“Mom, hi.”

“ _I wanted to call because, well because today is supposed to be your first day of classes, and I had a break, and I thought I should ask about your day! So, um, how was your first day, sweetie?_ ”

Evan took a breath. It was better to get the worst bits over with before telling her about what he was sorting out with the school, that way there would be context for it. Otherwise she might ask if his actions were really necessary, and he would rethink all of it, and might end up going back to admin and telling them he was wrong and- Focus.

“Class wasn't… class wasn't great. I really wasn't in the headspace for it, everything made the anxiety worse. I couldn't get through a full lecture, mom.”

He heard Heidi sigh over the phone, and all those feelings, those little niggling thoughts of ‘ _She thinks you're broken, you're not worth it, and she knows it, how could she love someone so broken?_ ’ came rushing back to him, pushing the air from his lungs. And then he remembered that he was fixing this. He was making it better.

“But,” he cut her off, “But, I talked to my teacher, and I'm emailing admin, and my other teachers to figure out a way to do all of my classes without sacrificing my mental health.”

He could practically hear his mother's happiness and excitement over the phone before she even spoke. “ _Oh, Evan, that's wonderful! You did this all by yourself?_ ”

“I was on the phone to Connor, to calm down after the lecture, and he told me that I needed to do something to make this as good for my mental health as possible.”

He practically heard his mom squeal. “ _You were on the phone! Oh sweetheart, I'm so proud! And how is Connor?_ ”

Evan sighs a little. “He's great. He's doing great. He, um, he really helped me out today.”

“ _I'm glad._ ” She sounds happy. She sounds relaxed, and, god, he hasn't heard her sound like that in absolutely ages. Tired, yes; happy, yes. But relaxed? Evan can't recall the last time she sounded like that. “ _Are you settling in okay?_ ”

Evan looked around the sparsely decorated room. “Yeah. Yeah, I am. It's all going okay. How's everything back home?”

“ _Oh, same as ever. You don't want to hear about that._ ”

“Mom.”

“ _Really, Evan, nothing new has happened since you left._ ”

“Okay. Well, I'm gonna hang up, now, ‘cause I gotta call Connor back, but I'll talk to you soon, okay?”

“ _Okay, honey. I love you._ ”

“Love you, too, mom.”

“ _Bye!_ ”

And a tone that signalled that his mother had hung up, saving him the anxiety of doing it himself. And now to call Connor. It would be easy. Should be easy. But it wasn't. Having dialled the number he knew by heart, his finger froze over the call button. He could do this, it wasn't impossible. He had just been on the phone.

Who knew if he was interrupting something? He could be at dinner. He could be studying. He could be bonding with his roommate. Finding himself a therapist. Anything that might be more important than Evan calling. Even so, he quickly tapped the button And put the phone to his ear. There was a stinging at his eye, but he was proud that he had done this, that he had actually called.

“ _Hey Evan._ ” There was no trace of annoyance in Connor's voice, in fact, he sounded like he had been expecting the call for some time, and was glad to pick up the phone.

“Hey Connor. I- um, you wanted me to call you back.”

“ _I did. How was your day?_ ”

“I, um, I missed calculus because I was up at admin getting email addresses for all my teachers and filing stuff about my diagnosis. So this evening has basically just been emailing teachers. But I did it. I'm sorting it out.”

“ _That's so good. You can't know how proud I am right now._ ”

Evan couldn't help but smile at that. “That seems excessive.”

“ _I'm not allowed to be proud of my boyfriend? C’mon, it's even over the phone! That's gotta be bonus points, or something._ ”

“Okay, now you're teasing.”

“ _I'm not teasing. How was the rest of the day?_ ”

“I don't really want to talk about it. How was your day?”

“ _Same old, same old._ ”

“You sound like my mom.”

“ _What?_ ”

“Like, as in, she said almost the same thing when I asked how her day was.”

“ _Oh, cool. I guess it was good._ ”

“Can you be more specific?”

“ _Nope…_ ” A pause. “ _Now I'm teasing. We’re starting with Children's Lit because it's easy to comprehend, and such, so of course, we're looking at classic fairytales, and I'm researching the origins of some of these stories, and Jesus, Evan. The people who wrote these were more edgelords than I am. There is some dark stuff in this stuff…_ ”

Evan felt himself unwind, felt his muscles relax as Connor talked about his course. It was a welcome distraction from his own day.

* * *

On September fifth Connor woke up with a screaming headache, and when he opened his eyes he felt both like he was blind and also the opposite of blind. Every colour he had started seeing since shoving Evan was louder, brighter, and _god_ it hurt. He groaned.

“You up?” Somehow Mark’s voice was more annoying now than ever, and it made him groan again. “Dude, are you sick or something?”

“Shut the fuck up, Zuckerberg.”

“For the last time, Connor, my name isn't Zuckerberg-”

“Yeah, but I could also call you Marky-Mark, but I have a feeling that you would like that even less. And to answer your question, dude,” Connor sat up and squinted. More light did not help. “I have an awful headache, and-” He cut himself off. Had he told Mark about Evan?

Mark seemed like the kind of guy who was cool with you as long as you adhered to all of his beliefs, and to his ideal of all a man should be. By that standard, Connor had already failed, with his hair, and his nails, his plans to be a teacher, a traditionally female job, though Connor himself wasn't much bothered by that stereotype. But still, would Mark be cool with Connor being gay?

“And?”

“And all the colours are, like, infinitely brighter-”

“Dude! You see in colour? You have a soulmate? She hot?” Marks voice had that ‘I want to bond, so let's talk about hot girls’ tone to it, and Connor had to roll his eyes. Frat boys were unbearable.

“Is who hot?”

“Your soulmate! Duh!”

“Yeah, I guess he's pretty adorable.” Everything in Connor tensed as he waited for Mark's reaction.

There was a pause as Mark took on what he just said.

“Oh.” Came the response, flat and a little surprised. “Okay. That's chill, dude.”

Connor sighed and pulled the covers over his head. Here in the dark his head felt a little better. Not much, but enough to know he was better off staying here.

“Aren't you going to class?” Mark's tone was expectant. He expected Connor to get up, to go to class while feeling this shitty.

“Class can suck my dick - I'm staying here.”

“Alright. Well, I'll see you later, then.”

He heard the door shut and closed his eyes. He was not dealing with this shit right now.

* * *

He woke to his phone ringing. The awful tinny ringing that apple had created to imitate the old landline phones echoed through his head and did not help the headache.

Connor groaned as he fought his way out of his cave of blankets and winced at the brightness of everything. Even with the blinds shut, everything hurt.

“Hello?” He croaked, slumping back to the mattress, phone pressed between his ear and pillow.

“ _Hey, Connor._ ” Evan replied. “ _Just- um, I just wanted to update you on what’s happening. I tried to go to class, but I'm pretty sure I'm sick because everything hurts and I made it halfway towards the lecture hall before I just sat down on a bench and stayed there. I'm still there. That was an hour ago._ ”

“I'm sick, too. Headache or some shit.”

“ _Huh. The colours too bright for you?_ ”

“Yeah. Exactly.”

“ _Do you think it's because of the bond or something?_ ”

“Maybe, hang on, lemme Google this shit.”

Big mistake, Connor found, because the minute he pulled up Google all the light from the goddamn sun was shining in his face and melting his eyes and cracking his skull open.

“Fuck Google.” He mutters, faceplanting into the pillow, again. “The brightness was all the way up.”

Evan made a noise of distressed sympathy down the line.

Connor squinted and typed his search into Google, wishing all this pain would stop with every moment his eyes were open. The second result down answered his query in without him having to open the link.

“Ugh. It's because we're not together. Happy anniversary, a year ago today we met. And the universe is punishing us for not being in the same room.” Connor flopped back down onto his bed and closed his eyes.

“ _Oh._ ” Evan's tone was that of surprise. “ _Happy anniversary._ ”

Connor couldn't help but smile at that. “Although, it's not our real anniversary. We still have to wait for, like, a month for that. How clueless were we?”

Evan let out a pained chuckle.

“Go home, Evan. You're not going to get to class today. We both know that. Email your professors when you feel better. They'll understand.”

There was silence for a moment, and then the sound of a slight breeze in the microphone. “ _Connor?_ ” Evan's voice was soft, sort of pleading.

“Yes?”

“ _I wish I_ was _spending the day with you._ ”

Connor's breath was taken away by the confession, as it always was at the thought that Evan wanted to be with him.

“Evan, I wish that we had spent the day together too.”

He heard Evan gasp a little. Apparently he felt the same about Connor, though he was baffled as to why, Connor had obviously got the better side of this deal. It was sort of adorable how oblivious Evan was about that fact.

“ _All these colours are super dizzying, and the headache is making me really nauseous._ ” Evan whispered, and Connor listened to Evan trip over the sidewalk a couple of times. Evan was so clumsy, Connor thought it was a wonder he was able to keep any of his belongings unbroken. The amount of times he had had to help Evan of the ground over the summer after he'd tripped were innumerable.

“ _So where are you?_ ”

“I stayed in bed. Marky-Mark was super annoying before leaving though.”

“ _Marky-Mark?_ ”

“My roommate’s name is Mark, and he's the kind of guy who will join a frat, so I've been calling him by famous Mark names. Today's special is Mark Wahlberg. The last week has been Mark Zuckerberg. I'm planning on using Hamill and Ruffalo.” Connor said, hearing Evan’s steps up some stairs, another couple of trips, and then the sound of keys.

“ _That doesn't seem like a nice thing to do._ ”

“No he loves it, it's a bonding exercise.”

And Evan honest to god snorted. It was the happiest Connor had felt all day, hearing Evan laugh so hard he snorted.

“That was adorable.” He told Evan.

Even if he couldn't see him, he knew that Evan was blushing right now. Anybody who had known Evan for five minutes knew that.

He need Evan dump his bag and flop down on his bed. “ _I'm really tired._ ” He said.

“Me too.”

Two thumps. Evan had kicked off his shoes. There was rustling, and all of a sudden no noise on the other end.

“Have you taken your meds today?” He asked, knowing that if he was like Connor, he would have forgotten them in favour of focussing on his headache.

“ _Oh shit._ ” Came Evan’s whisper and then the sound of opening drawers, and Connor got up to take his too, it would be hypocritical if he didn't. A silence as they both downed their pills.

And then a rustling again, and a soft “ _I love you._ ” from Evan's end.

Connor smiled. “You mean the world to me.” He replied.

“ _Bye. Sleep well. I'll call you tonight._ ”

“Bye. You too.”

The dial tone. Connor pulled the covers up over his head again, and settled down, drifting back into a relaxed sleep, hoping, praying that he would see Evan again soon.


	2. Another Wrong Turn

It was a surprise. Connor hoped it would be a good surprise and not a panic attack inducing surprise, but he had completed his homework for the week, all his readings, the research for his imminent papers, everything done, all so he could surprise his boyfriend by showing up on the weekend of their one year anniversary. He had even managed to get out of the dorm long enough to get Evan a beautiful bonsai tree as a present.

But still, he hesitated as he stood; poised to knock; outside the door of Evan's single. He didn't know what was holding him back. Maybe it was the fact that he hadn't physically seen his boyfriend in over a month, or the fear that Evan might be bored with him after all that time apart, or the thought of scaring Evan by showing up without warning. But Connor took a few deep breaths and knocked softly on the door.

He heard soft footsteps and murmuring getting closer to the door, and he smiled, recognising Evan's voice. The door swung open, and there was Evan in all of his sun kissed, blonde glory. And Evan gasped. And Connor noted the deep dark circles under Evan's eyes. And despite Evan's skin having stayed tan, there was a sort of translucent quality to it now that did not complement his tired demeanour. And Connor noted that his clothes were hanging off him in a different way, just slightly too big for him all of a sudden. The changes wouldn't have been noticeable to someone who didn't know Evan the way he did, but it was the first thing Connor saw.

“Connor.” Evan's face split into a smile, and his arms were around him in a moment, Evan's slightly chapped lips on his. Connor melted under the kiss. This was what he had been missing. The kisses, and of course the rest of his beautiful boyfriend.

Connor brought his free hand up to cup Evan's face, noting that there was slightly less to his face than there had been before, more bone structure, a little less in the way of that bone structure. And then Evan pulled back, breathless and wide eyed, and, god, his eyes were bloodshot. Connor swiped his thumb over Evan's cheek, and frowned, concerned.

“Happy anniversary.” He whispered, not sure of why he was being so quiet.

Evan smiled wider. “Oh my god, it is, isn't it? Happy anniversary! Oh, I-” he looked down at the bonsai Connor was carrying, and smiled, before looking back up at Connors face. “I didn't get you anything! I'm sorry, I- I forgot, and-”

“Evan, you didn't need to get me anything no need to apologise. Can I come inside?”

Evan blushed and made to speak, and then reconsidered before saying “Sure.” And then ducking his head. “It's a bit of a mess though.” He continued.

Connor laughed, because this was Evan Hansen, a neat freak, and whatever he considered mess would probably seem spotless to him. “Just let me inside, Ev.”

Evan stepped back into his dorm enough to let Connor in, and Connor found he was wrong. The dorm was a mess. There were clothes and dishes everywhere, scraps of spare paper on every surface, and the curtains looked like they hadn't been opened in weeks. He couldn't help his breath catching. It wasn't his imagination, Evan wasn't doing well.

Sure, he might be doing well academically, but Connor knew that if the outside of Evan's space looked like this, the inside of his head couldn't look much better. The door closed behind him and Evan was leaning on it, looking embarrassed.

“Evan, are you doing okay?” He asked, tilting his head to the side, and he watched the tears build, and spill, and watched Evan's breathing run ragged, and before he knew it, the bonsai he carried in was on the table, and he had his arms wrapped around Evan.

“Shh, shhh, Evan it's okay, just tell me what you need.” He told him, pressing his lips into Evan's hair.

“I-I, I don't know. I don't know what I need anymore, I can't think, I don't have any more room in my head, Connor. All I want to do is sleep to try and process it all. And I can't, and I hate it, and- and- and-”

“Shhh. We're gonna sit down and cuddle until you're feeling calmer. Then you're gonna go take as long a shower as you need, and I'm gonna order a pizza and start cleaning up. We'll work it out from there, okay?”

He felt Evan nod weakly into his chest, and Connor slowly but surely moved them down to the ground to cuddle, holding Evan against his chest, muttering comforting words, and letting the bond calm them both. He felt Evan slump into him, the tenseness in his muscles falling away all at once, leaving him almost limp, but the sobbing was still there. Connor just rubbed his back and rocked them side to side.

“I love you.” He whispered. “You're brilliant, and beautiful, and I'm so glad that I met you, and that I'm here with you now. I'm so thankful for every moment I get to spend with you. You're my everything, Evan Hansen.”

He felt Evan's hand tense in the back of his jacket, forming a fist, holding him there, holding him closer, making sure he couldn't leave, though Connor had no plans to leave. Evan was murmuring soft, incomprehensible things into Connor's shirt, and Connor lifted a hand to sift through Evan's short hair, kissing him on the top of his head again.

Connors feet went numb beneath him, and his fingers began to tire of carding through Evan's hair before Evan was ready to let go. All the same, Connor stayed where he was. And then, a huff of breath, and Evan pulled back, wiping his face with the back of his hand, and refusing to meet Connor's eye. Connor readjusted himself, so that his hand were on Evan's shoulders, and his legs were crossed, and he could see Evan clearly. He wasn't wrong. Evan had lost weight, wasn't sleeping, probably wasn't hydrated enough, and god knows the crying wasn't going to help that.

“There's a solution to every problem we face, remember?” He whispered. “We can fix this, whatever this is.”

Evan nodded weakly.

“Now. You go take a shower, I'm gonna order pizza. We're going to work this out, okay?”

“Okay.” Evan's voice was soft, sounded broken down, defeated, and he rose to his feet unsteadily, and walked down the hall and out of sight. Connor set his sights on the phone. He had a few calls to make.

* * *

By the time Evan had felt ready to get out of the shower, Connor had called for take away, and had started picking articles of clothing up and placing them in a laundry hamper, and had started stacking dishes in the sink. It was already a sight better than it had been in at least a week.

Evan tried to stutter out a thank you, but his voice still wasn't on. Connor hadn't come all the way out here to watch him fall apart. Connor had driven out here to have a good time, celebrate probably, not to watch Evan freak out. _Stupid, stupid, couldn't even reconnect with his boyfriend properly. Couldn't even complete one paper without breaking down. Worthless. No good. Pathetic. Idiot._

Evan wrapped his arms around himself and blinked away the tears. Connor was working his ass off to make this better for him. The least he could do was not cry at him again.

“Oh, Evan, you gave me a fright!” Connor had turned to see Evan in the hallway and jumped. “Here.” He picked up a glass of water and handed it to Evan over the counter.

Evan sipped the water and realised how dry his mouth was, and how long it had been since he had actually had water. He nodded his thanks. Connor gave a sweet smile, and god, Evan could see the pity in Connor's eyes. And now there was anger. He didn't want pity. He didn't need pity. That would mean he was something to be pitied. And he was doing better. _Wasn't he?_

“Evan? Sweetheart?” It was the first time Connor had ever called him by a pet name that wasn't ‘Ev’. And Evan hated it. It was out of pity. Connor thought he was broken. The way he had told him they were going to stop thinking of themselves. But Connor thought he needed to be taped up. Needed to be fixed. And he hated it.

He shook his head, not exactly sure why. Connor sighed. “Evan. Have you been eating?”

That was a question Evan didn't want to answer. Because it was complicated. Technically, yes, he had been eating. He had a box of cereal he had been slowly going through, eating dry as a snack, and some protein bars. But Connor was asking if he had been eating three balanced meals a day. And he hadn't. He wouldn't go to the dining hall. There were too many people there, it was all too loud, the acoustics were bad, and it was too much. Evan had gone once, and had decided it wasn't something he would ever do again.

So how to answer? He could see the concern and knowledge in Connor's eyes. He knew he hadn't been eating properly. “I-” he squeezed out, and then he shook his head. He couldn't lie to Connor.

Connor barely reacted, looked down for a moment. He was disappointed. If there was anything worse than pity, it was disappointment. He took another sip from the cup and pulled his sweater sleeves over his fingers to stop himself from digging his nails into his palms. Connor was disappointed in him. There was pain inside of him he couldn't stop from growing. _Connor was disappointed in him._

“Why?” There was pain in Connor's eyes.

 _Oh_. Connor thought he was starving himself on purpose. Thought he wasn't happy with himself. Which was totally true, but he wasn't doing this for that. At first it had been because he couldn't face cashiers, the dining hall, cafes. Now he was terrified of it. Terrified of having to face up to anyone. And this was what he was supposed to be working on, but Evan realised he hadn't talked to anyone face to face for at least a week and a half before Connor got here.

He hadn't got better. He wasn't doing better. He was doing _worse_.

And despite his efforts not to, the sobs started again, and he lost his grip, and the glass was smashed on the floor around his bare feet. He couldn't look up at Connor's face, knowing he would see there the realisation of just how broken Evan was, because this was broken, no one could deny it. Evan spent every day hungry because he refused to talk to anyone, and because he was terrified of spending this money on himself, hadn't spoken to anyone for days on end, couldn't remember the last time he had touched another human being without it being brushing elbows in a lecture hall, or bumping into someone in the quad.

“Ev, baby, come on. I'm gonna lift you out of the glass, okay?” Part of Evan didn't want to be touched, couldn't, wouldn't be touched, and the other part longed for Connor to reach out and hold him. And the rest of Evan wanted to stay here, covered in shards of glass, surrounded by them, here where he couldn't feel anything.

And he was moving, being moved. Connor was holding him aloft, had swept his feet out from under him. And Connor carried him to the chairs set at the collapsible table in the middle of the room, and knelt beside him.

“I don't know where to go from here.” Connor said, resting his forehead against Evan's knee. He found himself placing a hand on Connor's head, threading his fingers through his hair, as though he was the one comforting Connor.

“Me either.” He whispered, that being the highest volume he could convince his voice to go to.

“You've got to eat, Evan, this isn't good for you-”

“I know. But it's more than that. I can't, I don't, I haven't spoken to anyone properly for over a week now. And I'm terrified of going to the shops and having to talk to someone there, and have them- have them judge me. And the dining hall is- is- is-”

“Ev, are you still on your meds?”

The million dollar question. The answer was no. But if he had his medication refilled, he would still be on his meds. He had run out three weeks ago, and hadn't been able to go and get the prescriptions refilled.

“They ran out, and I couldn't-”

Connor sighed. “Okay. Okay, it's okay." Connors voice became soothing. "I'll take your prescriptions to get refilled after we eat, okay? And then we'll clean up the glass and do some laundry?”

Evan nodded. “I'm sorry.” Was all that would come out of his mouth.

Connor furrowed his brows, a little crease forming between them. “Why are you sorry? You don't need to be sorry, Evan.”

“I was supposed to be better than this, but the moment I'm left alone, I fall to pieces. You deserve more than this.”

Connor didn't seem to know what to say to that. And all of a sudden, “No, no. You're allowed to struggle. Ev, results don't go in a straight line, you don't just get magically better, you taught me that. You can't expect more of yourself. You just can't.” His eyes were pleading, truthful. He believed this. He believed that Evan was allowed to still be like this, even after years and years of treatment to make him better. Surely he should be better by now.

Evan just nodded, because, what was he supposed to say to that?

And then there was a knock on the door. Connor looked into his eyes again. “It's just the pizza. I'll get it, okay?”

Evan nodded again. And Connor got up and got the door, wordlessly exchanging cash for the pizza, and receiving his change. It seemed effortless. Evan knew that had it been him in the same situation, he would have broken down. Granted, he was already breaking down. But it was just so much.

Connor closed the door again and brought the pizza to the table. “It's just cheese. I didn't want to overwhelm you.”

Evan smiled weakly. “Thanks.”

And the pizza was good. Evan hadn't realised exactly how goddamned hungry he was until he put food in his mouth, and Connor almost laughed watching him shovel slice after slice into his mouth. This wasn't a time to laugh. He hoped soon there would a time to laugh. He missed Evan's laugh more than anything.

While Evan scoffed down the rest of the pizza Connor collected the rest of the clothes off the floor and furniture, and swept the glass off the floor and into the bin. And he leant over Evan's chair and wrapped his arms around Evan's shoulders.

The novelty of touching Evan after about a month and a half of not seeing him hadn't worn off yet. He had missed this so much, more than he had realised. He kissed the top of Evan's head, feeling his soft, freshly washed hair, smelt the vague coconut smell of his shampoo, felt the warmth of Evan permeate the air. Evan leant back into his embrace. And then:

“I'm sorry.”

“I told you you didn't need to be sorry, Evan. We're going to get you help here, a support network here. We'll figure this out.”

“Will you visit?”

“I'll visit regularly. I'm gonna call more. We're gonna talk to your mom about calling more as well. We're gonna call her tonight, okay? I've texted her to say that we will-” Evan looked up at him, panicked, angry. He thought he had told him mom how bad it had been without consulting him first. “I only told her we'd call. I didn't tell her anything else. Evan, you know that I know that isn't my business to tell.” Evan seemed to deflate with relief.

“Do we have to tell her _everything_?” He asked, so quiet that Connor barely heard him.

“Evan, without all of the information, how can she help you the way you need to be helped?”

Evan tried to say something, and seemed to decide against it, staying silent. Connor straightened up and unwrapped his arms from around Evan. “We need to go to a chemist and to the laundromat. D’you have coins lying around?”

Evan nodded and ran to his room to put on shoes and grab a handful of quarters for the laundromat. He made to walk out of the room, and then went back to grab another handful, just in case, and remembered to grab his pill bottles and the prescription papers. Connor was waiting by the door with the basket under his arm. Evan grabbed his keys from the hook by the door, and nodded.

* * *

Prescriptions filled and laundry done they arrived at the dorm, having spoken very little in the whole time they were out, except in the empty laundromat where they called Heidi. There was schedule now. Connor would call every second day, and Heidi would call the days Connor wasn't going to in order to make sure Evan didn't feel smothered. Connor would visit every weekend, if only for a day, so make sure Evan was stocked up with everything and check in. They hoped it would be better.

And they were here, on the edge of a moment, laundry washed and dried, thank god for all of Evan's clothing being dryer safe, and Connor had no idea where to go from here. Sure, the dishes still needed to be done, and there was probably some sweeping and vacuuming to be done, and the benches needed wiping, and they needed to do some grocery shopping, but all that could be done tomorrow. Connor had no idea how to approach the coming hours with Evan.

Things were so much better physically, and things were being fixed in the future, but right now they weren't fixed, and it was like Evan had rebroken a limb. It was going to need resetting and time to heal. And all Connor wanted was his boyfriend back.

 _No_. No. That wasn't fair. Evan was still himself now, even when he was struggling, he was himself, and it wasn't fair of Connor to wish he was any different. Evan was still standing in the doorway, looking at his feet, fiddling with the keys, looking just as unsure as Connor felt.

And the words came without warning. “I should never have left you alone for that long, knowing you were so isolated. I'm so sorry, Evan.”

“It's not your fault, you didn't know, I didn't tell you, I didn't tell anyone-”

“You shouldn't have needed to tell anyone, I'm your soulmate, I should have known. I should have known. I missed you so much Evan, and I can't believe that it's taken me so long to visit and to see you needed help.”

“I missed you too. So much, Connor.”

And the door was closed, and the key were on the hook, and Evan's arms were around him, and his lips were on Connors, and Connors hoodie was well on its way to being on the ground, and Evan's hands are everywhere, and-

“Evan. I love you and I've missed you so much, but I think we should sleep. You look like death warmed up. We've _got_ to sleep.”

Evan groaned, and dropped from his tip toes and rested his head against Connor's shoulder.

“I know, believe me, I would love to keep going in the direction you were going, but you genuinely look like something out of The Corpse Bride, all translucent with dark circles. All pale and tragic." Connor did his best to imitate Tim Curry in Clue there, the British accent, the actions.

And Evan laughed. It was a drained laugh, short and dry, but it was there. And that was progress.

And Connor had missed Evan's laugh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this is pretty much all angst, because I'm feeling pretty broken at the moment, so Evan is too. Don't worry though, I have plans. This kid is getting his support network back. I'm not gonna let him sit at rock bottom for too long. Thanks for all the support I've been seeing for this fic, it's really lovely to see. Thanks for reading, y'all!


	3. Make A Sound

Soft light entered the room, and woke Evan gently, and he thought that it was more light than he'd seen in his dorm for a good few weeks. The bed was warm, warmer than he was used to, now that they were entering Fall, and it was comforting. There was an arm around him, and legs tangled with his, and a chin hooked over his shoulder, and the familiar and homey smell of Connor overwhelmed his senses. He smiled. For the first time in weeks he felt truly serene.

And then he remembered why he had panicked so badly last night, and why he had spent so much time ignoring the building panic. The paper. A research essay that was entirely too long, due Wednesday in his biology class. He had all the research done, he just couldn't form it into a coherent essay. He had tried several times, and had ended up wanting to rip his own hair out with how hard he was finding it to get his thoughts down on paper.

And Connor's hand was moving, pressing into Evan's chest, right over his heart. “Can you keep calm for five more minutes, Ev? I want just a little more sleep.”

The heartbeats. Right. Evan tried to reign in his anxiety provoking thoughts, but it was to no avail, because focusing on it made it worse, and all he could think about was how angry Connor would probably be if he didn't just calm down, so why couldn't he calm down, _he just had to-_

“Ev, it's okay. I'm sorry, that was probably too much pressure to put on you, I'm just sleepy, I'm not going to get angry just because you're anxious.” Connor's arm squeezed tighter around him, and that thick, sleepy quality to Connor's voice was there, but he sounded more awake, more aware than he had been.

“I'm sorry,” He breathed out, still trying to get it under control, and Connor was pulling his shoulder back and turning him on his side so that they could see each other.

“You're okay, look, look around, no danger imminent, and I'm right here, and I love you. You’re doing so well, are you focusing on your breathing?”

Evan nodded vigorously, and pulled in a breath that he didn't have the control to keep in his lungs, so it left his body just as quickly as it had entered. And now Connor had flung his whole body over Evan's, sure, making it hard to breathe, but there was a calm that the bond brought, and the bodily contact brought that made Evan's head spin. Or maybe that was the shortage of air. Either way, his heart rate was slowing down, and Connor's hand was tracing circles into Evan's palm, and Connor's breath was warm against his neck, and he felt safe, wanted, seen.

He exhaled slowly, and the tears that had been building slipped down his face, and he lifted his head to see Connor looking up at him.

“I'm okay? I think.” He said quietly. Connor brought his hand up to Evan's face and wiped away the lingering tears.

“Can I ask what it was that set you off, or will that send you back into a panic?”

Evan opened his mouth to speak but realised he didn't have an answer for that. Instead he shook his head. “Later.”

Connor nodded and stroked Evan's cheek, and Evan couldn't help but close his eyes at the soft touch, and couldn't help but wonder at the soft and gentle way his boyfriend had been treating him recently, that stood in harsh contrast to his usual outward demeanour. Though, obviously, Connor was treating him this way because he was fragile, and he needed tiptoeing around, otherwise he might just cry again. Obviously.

“I just- you're not just being this nice just because I'm- because I'm broken right?” Evan had no idea why he had put the thought into words, or why he had then asked the question, but it was out there now.

Connor's eyes widened, and his brows furrowed. “I- okay, first of all,” Connor's voice had a contradictory edge to it, but it was still soft, and sweet, and the voice that he never used for anything but lazy Sunday mornings and for Evan. “First of all, you're not broken. You're in need of some support and that's okay. It's okay to need somebody to help you from time to time, you know that, you taught me that. Second of all, of course I'm being nice because you're in need. I'm not going to be mean when you feel like shit, now am I? I love you, and I care for you, and I want to show it, okay?”

Evan nodded, understanding, but Connor's face had now hardened, that softness gone away, despite the look of care still in his eyes, and he rolled off of Evan and put his feet on the floor. “Come on. We're going to go and get a decent goddamned breakfast, because you need to eat, young man.”

Connor was pulling shoes onto his feet, having slept in his clothing from yesterday, and yet still looking as good as yesterday. It had to be something to to with the fact that he dressed slightly off kilter anyways, so the slept in look completed the outfit. Evan watched as Connor pulled a hair tie from his wrist and pulled his curls into a quick bun. The light on his hair made it look almost golden blond, despite the fact that Evan knew that his hair was dark brown. It was an incredible trick of the light, and it made him want to reach out and touch-

“Evan,” Connor’s voice was still gentle as it pulled him out of his reverie. “Come on, get dressed, I want to have seen you eat two decent meals before I leave.” Evan nodded and got up.

“Take your pills as well, it's about time we both do that, and considering you've been out of habit for the past couple of weeks, I thought I'd remind you.”

And for all that reminder annoyed him, he was grateful, because he would have forgotten to take his medicine. “Thanks.” He muttered back as he searched through the basket of clean washing he had yet to fold and put away.

Connor's arms wrapped around his waist. “I'm sorry that I was so harsh just then, it's just- Like, everyone expects me to be mean and cynical, and cruel most of the time, because of who I am, and I just want to, you know, sometimes let my guard down and be comforting and different, and not have to be Stoner Connor. And I want to be here for you, and I guess I was just angry that you didn't see yourself as something worth being kind to, if that makes any sense.”

For lack of better words Evan grabbed one of Connor's hands and squeezed tight. “You don't have to apologise for being defensive, I didn't phrase that well at all, and, god, I just- I just wondered if you don't want to have to be like that just because I'm fragile, and you've answered that, and I'm sorry for my part in it all as well.”

Connor rested his head against his shoulder. “You know I love you beyond all things, right?”

“You tell me all the time. You understand that I love you so much that sometimes it's hard to breathe, don't you?”

“You've mentioned it once or twice.” Evan twisted and the moment he was face to face with Connor, leant in and kissed him. Connor smiled into the kiss for a moment and pulled back.

“You've got to get dressed. Don't think I've forgotten about breakfast.” And with that he withdrew his arms and he was walking out of Evan's room like they hadn't both just bared their souls and had a romantic moment that had made Evan's heart cry out for more.

Evan sighed and committed himself to the task at hand.

* * *

“D-do we really h-h-have to do this?” Evan couldn't help his stutter when confronted with the doors of the on campus dining hall. Usually he had pretty good control with phonetic stuttering, only repeating words and phrases usually, but, here and now he had no control.

“Evan, I'm right here and I'll help you through it, okay? And if at any point you need to leave, we'll go off campus and find a cafe. We need to stock you up anyways, so if we do, we'll go grocery shopping while we're out, okay?”

Evan just nodded and squeezed Connor's hand tighter.

“I'm right here, I promise I'm not going anywhere.” And they were moving, and it was quiet inside, remarkably quiet. “Sunday morning.” Connor remarked.

There were maybe forty kids in the whole building, all of them looking miserable, and sulking down at their plates of greasy food. They were all hungover.

“Come on.” Connor tugged his arm. “Let's go get some decent food, yeah?”

Evan gave a small smile and nodded. Maybe he _could_ do this. And if it was always like this on Sundays, he might make a habit of coming here to eat on Sundays.

Over their food; Evan's plate piled high, not by himself, but by Connor; Connor laughed.

“What?”

“That kid over there looks just as upset and wrecked as Jared did after the-”

Evan gasped. “After the Pride Party. Oh my god, Jared got wasted, and oh my god didn't Zoe and Alana sing Uptown Girl for five hours on end?”

Connor grinned and nodded. “Just about. Can you believe Zoe got away with that?”

“I still can't. Especially since-”

“Especially since my dad came back halfway through our hungover clean up?”

“Yup. And the way he just sighed and started helping cleaning up, and then went upstairs muttering about the fact that when he woke up he didn't want there to be any sign of a mess left in the house. Hilarious.”

“And how Jared and I took the rainbow streamers upstairs and covered him in them while he slept?”

“He took that remarkably well, don't you think?”

“That and the rainbow tattoos on my cheeks that didn't come off for three weeks, yeah.” Connor smiled. Evan knew that this was because while thing between he and his dad were by no means perfect, and would take time to make right, Connor was so glad to have his dad back.

“They were cute.”

“They were nasty. They looked good for the first two days and then they started cracking and peeling off in bits, and I looked like a reject from the circus.” Connor spoke with his mouth full, a habit that Evan would never get into. He was already self conscious enough about the way he ate. But on Connor he found it cute. Not the fact that he could see everything that was in his mouth, sure, but that he couldn't wait until he had swallowed the bite to keep talking, he was just so impassioned, he needed to speak.

“Well, I liked them.”

Connor smiled a little and chewed. It was silent for a while. And once again, Evan realised just how hungry he had been for the past few weeks. Sure, this wasn't going to fix it, but it would definitely help, and right now, with Connor and a stack of waffles in front of him, he felt that there was nothing he couldn't face in the world.

Except of course that research essay.

“I um- the reason I was so-” Evan made a face to try and communicate the state in which he'd been in when Connor arrived, and Connor stifled a chuckle at it. “When you arrived was- was this research essay- I um, I have all of the research part done, but- I uh, I can find the right words for it, and it's really frustrating me and stressing me out.”

Connor nodded. “So you fell into disarray over an essay-”

“Yeah, well it started there, and I kept thinking about how much it was worth toward my final grade,and I thought, if I fail this, then I fail the course, and I'll have to do it again, which I can't afford, I just can't, so instead I'll end up homeless and living under a bridge, and-”

“You know neither me or your mom would let you live on the streets, right?”

“Well, logically yes, but my anxiety isn't logical.”

“ _Obviously_. So, when is it due?” Connor put his fork down to focus on the conversation.

“Um, Wednesday. I know that I should have had it done and ready to go by this point, but I-”

“Evan, it's fine, we can piece together an essay. Get the first draft done today, easy as, and then you can email me the edits for proofreading. I need to get good at it anyways, right? Then, hey presto, you have an essay to turn in Wednesday. It's fine.”

Of course, when Connor put it that plainly, it seemed so easy, and so simple, when Evan had been sure it wasn't that easy. It hadn't been that easy until Connor had said that, it just hadn't. Even so, Evan nodded. “Thanks.”

“ _Eat_.”

* * *

“And that's the last touch… done! That's your second draft, right there.” Connor proclaimed.

Evan was stunned at how fast time had gone. They had gone straight from the dining hall to the grocery store, and then back to Evan's room to work on the essay. Connor had been tirelessly making tea and fixing up things round the dorm while Evan wrote, and any time Evan made a noise of dissatisfaction, would come and read over his shoulder and make suggestions on how to improve his wording. And now Evan had a copy of this essay to edit and make sure it was worthy to go days before it was due. It was unbelievable relieving.

“Hey Connor.”

“Yeah?”

“Thank you. You came down here to celebrate, and instead you found a huge fucking mess, and you readjusted all of your plans to help me. Thank you so much.”

Connor smiled, properly, showing too white, too straight teeth that Evan knew had been trapped behind braces for three years to achieve this perfect smile, and his eyes were full of sunshine, and it was at times like these that Evan remembered that they were soulmates, and not _just_ boyfriends. When the colours on Connor were so loud, so bright, and so beautiful, when he knew the sun could not be as warm or as lovely as when Connor smiled at him, when he was being held, and the warmth there was almost like coming home after an extended trip, despite the fact that they had only truly known each other for just over a year.

And Connor was wrapping his arms around Evan, was holding him close, kissing his forehead, his nose, his cheek, his lips, and Evan hasn't ever been this completely overwhelmed without being on the verge of a panic attack. But he was serene, so calm about this, so sure about Connor.

“I love you.” Connor whispered against his lips.

“I love you too.” The words came out muffled as Connor kept kissing him, and they laughed, and Evan's hands were in Connor's hair, and pulling, and Connor groaned, and grinned against Evan's mouth. It was surreal, like something out of a dream, because how could something, someone as beautiful as Connor exist in real life? In this world, where nothing seemed to be going right, there was this little bit of light shining into Evan's life that was Connor, and he couldn't believe how lucky he'd gotten to get Connor Murphy as his soulmate.

“I'm the lucky one.” Connor muttered, and Evan realised he had said that out loud, how stupid- “I can't believe I got you. Fucking ball of sunshine.”

And Evan grinned at that. “After the last day and a half, I cannot believe you would refer to me as a ball of sunshine.”

Connor pulled back, and placed a hand on Evan's cheek. “No matter what, you're always a light in my life, you should know this.”

And now Evan just had to kiss him again.

* * *

“I don't want you to go, but I know I can't ask you to stay.” They were lying in Evan's bed, just as small as at home, pressed against each other, skin to skin, basking in the afterglow.

“I need to go back to school. And you'll see me next weekend, I promise.”

Still, Evan looked at his boyfriend forlornly. “It was easier when I had semi forgotten what I was missing. Now I know, and I remember vividly. And you're just gonna be away for the rest of the week.”

“Yeah, I get it. It's gonna be hard to say goodbye again, even knowing we'll see each other so soon.”

Evan rested his head against Connor's chest. “How long until you go?”

Connor craned his head up to see Evan's alarm clock. “I should go soon if I want to get back while it's still light.”

Evan held back the protests he wanted to make, knowing that if he let this become too dependant he would sink back into the deep dark hole Connor had found him in last night. But a part of him wondered if the only reason he was feeling so able, and so good right now was because of Connor, and if that could be considered healthy, and- and- and-

“You're overthinking, Ev. What on your mind?”

“Is this healthy?" The words came spilling out of his mouth before he had time to rethink them. "Am I too dependent on you? Is it- I don't know, too codependent? Is that something a therapist would say about us?”

Connor stayed silent for a while. “I don't know. I mean, for most of last year, it was me leaning on you, so I think it's fine if you need some support as well from time to time. And, I don't know if it's codependent. We have a lot of issues between us. I'd rather call it mutual support, if that's okay with you?”

Mutual support. That sounded a lot healthier. And made more sense. Connor's hand came up to stroke his hair and he shuffled closer.

There were a few minutes where they stayed like that, silent, both wishing that the world could freeze this way, that they could stay in the moment forever. But then-

“I have to go.” And he was pulling away, and he was going to leave Evan alone. _It was okay_ , he told himself, _it's going to be okay though because they had reset everything, and they had fixed what was wrong, and he could get through one week._

“When do you call next?” He asked.

“Tuesday.” Connor was picking up his clothing from the floor of his room. Removing the evidence he had ever been there. “Your mom is calling tomorrow night, probably around 5:30, just so you don't get a fright.”

He was gathering his bag, tying his shoes, and Evan sat up, and pulled his pyjama pants towards him, so he could at least walk his boyfriend to the door. “I look forward to both calls.”

“And you'll email me when you have the next draft, right?”

“Only if you absolutely don't have anything more important to do.”

“Just email it to me. If I don't have time, I’ll let you know, okay?”

“Okay.”

And they were walking towards the door, toward the point where they had to say goodbye, and they'd both be left alone. Evan fiddled with the drawstring on his pants, wishing they didn't have to do this, knowing it would be selfish and awful, and absolutely codependent to ask him to stay.

Connor leant in and kissed him, a hand taking up occupancy on Evan's chest, and Evan noticed how he had to duck his head to properly kiss him. He almost laughed, and would have if he didn't have to kiss back.

“I love you.”

“I love you more than anything else.”

“I'll see you next Saturday.”

“I'm counting down the hours.”

“Bye.”

Silence. The click of a door closing. Evan was alone. He sighed, and held back the tears that his emotionally overwrought brain was sending him, and turned to go back to bed. And then, out of the corner of his eye, he saw it. The bonsai Connor had brought him, real living proof he had been here, that he cared.

Maybe he _could_ get through the week after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to wonderful people (they know who they are) for their encouragment and feedback. I'm going to go and fucking collapse for the next five and a half hours before I have to go to work, okay? Okay.


	4. He Said

Evan hadn't been able to make up his mind as to whether this should be a surprise or not. On the one hand, Connor had done it to surprise him. On the other hand, what if Connor had other plans? And Evan just showed up, and Connor felt awkward telling him he had other plans, and Evan forced him to stay in his dorm for Thanksgiving, all because Evan wanted to surprise him? Worse yet, what if he had plans, and he wasn't there when Evan arrived?

Even with all the anxiety and doubt on his kind, Evan had called his mother and told her that he was going to go to Connor's for Thanksgiving. And had purchased a bus ticket out to Binghamton. Had arrived at Connor's dorm with full intentions of kissing Connor the moment he stepped through the door.

What he hadn't counted on was Zoe opening the door when he knocked. He had leant in, fully expecting Connor to be there, before Zoe's guitar calloused hands were on his face pushing him away.

“Dude, I get that I'm cute and all, but if you kiss me, I will strangle you with my feet.”

Never in Evan's life had he been more embarrassed or confused. He blinked and turned tomato red. What was Zoe doing here? Where was Connor? Why was Zoe here?

“I- uh- sorry, I thought you were- well, I was expecting- why- I'm so sorry, I uhh- why- why- why are you here?”

Zoe laughed. “Does a sister need a reason to visit her big brother at college?”

“Well, I- uhh- I guess not. I'm sorry, I really expected Connor to answer the door.”

“I figured, lover boy. Come on.” Zoe strapped aside to let him into the room. Which was small, and surprisingly bright for a college dorm. Two twin beds on either side of the room, desks, wardrobes, a door that undoubtedly lead to a bathroom, and off to one side a kitchenette, because Connor's parents had paid the extra to make sure he was living in comfort. And no Connor.

“Hey, um, where is Connor? Not that you're not great company and all, and sorry-” he was stumbling over his words to try and stop himself from insulting her, he really hadn't meant to imply that he was only here for Connor, but he had come with the intention of seeing his boyfriend, and Zoe; while being the closest thing to his boyfriend genetically speaking; was decidedly not Connor.

“He's out getting groceries. He hadn’t realised he was going to have me over this weekend, and he doesn't have much food. Oh shit, he's buying everything for two, and now you're here. Should I just tell him I'm really hungry, and to buy enough for three so you can still surprise him?”

Evan struggled for words through his amusement, finally settling on: “Oh, yeah, I guess. Umm, thanks, I appreciate it.”

Zoe grinned and pulled her phone from her back pocket and started madly tapping away while bouncing up and down on her toes. Evan stifled a grin at her actions and looked for a place to put his bag down.

Finally Zoe put her phone back into her pocket, and bounded over to what Evan could only assume was Connor's bed and sat down, looking at him expectantly. “Tell me everything. Connor won't tell us about how you're doing, cos he says that's your business, but I want to know about you and how you're doing!”

She was so earnest, and Evan wondered how he could ever have thought of her as anything more than like a little sister. Sure, before he had been removed from her, and she had seemed perfect, and everything Evan had wanted to be, outgoing, bubbly, charming and sweet. Talented and kind.

But now he could see under the façade, and he could certainly see that something was off with her. She was overplaying her excited happiness to mask something, and Evan was going to get to the bottom of it before he left.

“Yeah, uh, I had a rough patch for a while, but I'm finding my footing. Connor and my mom are helping me through it.”

Zoe nodded sagely. “Heidi is a saint.”

And that, Evan had to agree with. His mother, aside from Connor, had been his saving grace over the last month and a half, and he felt slightly guilty about not spending the break with her. She had assured him that she didn't mind, that she was already rostered on at the hospital, so there was little point in him coming home anyway, but some of the passing days the only thing that had kept him calm, or had got him to sleep was his mother's soothing words in his ears, or, just once, a care package that had those cookies that Jared coveted, and new warm socks, and the toy that she had brought him from the hospital with him and that he had carried around in his bag until grade eight as a sort of security blanket, which still smelled like home, and he had cried happy, nostalgic tears when he had received that bear. He had it in his bag now, if he was honest. It was becoming a kind of mascot for him.

His mother cared so much, and always took time out of her day, whether or not it was her day on the schedule to check in with Evan. Whether it was a quick text that said _Thinking of you, and hoping you're having a good day. Give my best to Connor, xoxo Mom_ or a full on call where she talked him through a concept or listened to him talk through a concept. She was taking on so much in order to be there for him, and it wasn't going unappreciated, that was for certain.

“She is.” He agreed simply, not willing to explain how, somehow, saint was an understatement when it came to his mother.

“My mom sometimes invites her round for dinner on her nights off from the hospital. They get on like a house on fire. Although she's a little stiff around dad, and I can understand that.”

His mom had never really forgiven Larry for his behaviour, and to be fair, neither had he, but he was at least masking it. His mother was only making an effort not to be hostile. For the most part she ignored him when they were in the same room, was Evan's take away from the limited conversations he had had with his mom on the subject.

“Yeah, me too,”

Zoe smiled. “He's trying, you know he actually teared up because Connor sent him a card from college in honour of him getting an A on an assignment, and he's getting so excited whenever Connor rings home, and I don't know what's changed, whether it's Connor's behaviour is more ‘suitable’ to dad, or whether he's just learning that Connor doesn't have to live up to his standards just to get approval from him, but I don't care. Whatever it is has made my family more functional. And I'm really digging it.”

“Digging it? I cannot believe you just said digging it-” Evan stifled a laugh.

She was grinning and trying not to laugh right back. “Hey, I was having a moment to reflect on my family, I can say what I want.”

“But _digging it_ -”

And the door opened. “Zoe, I have no idea why you wanted me to get this food, but you'd better hold up on your promise to convince mom and dad to let me have an apartment off campus next year. Even without Mark _Ruffalo_ here this room is fucking miserable-”

Evan's breath caught in his throat and he stood up straighter, just seeing Connor come round the corner arms full of bags of food. He hadn't seen Connor for two weeks, as both of them had been doing significant work to make sure they could actually relax over the break. They had Skyped when there was time, called every night instead of every second night, but still, there was nothing like seeing him in person. Connor stopped and looked up, and took a few moments to realise what was different.

And then all the bags were on the floor and Connor was _right there_ and Evan couldn't help grinning as his boyfriend took his hands and looked at him in wonder, as if trying to ascertain whether he was really there. The look on Connor's face was beyond belief, he seemed like he was looking at something really, really amazing, beautiful, something he couldn't comprehend.

“Hey.” Evan said weakly. “I came to visit.”

“You did, I can't believe it, and- _oh_! That's why you asked me to get more food, Zoe what the hell, you evil little gremlin, you didn't even have the common decency to tell me my boyfriend had arrived?” Connor was still smiling, and had now wrapped his arms around Evan and pulled him in close.

Despite all of the anxiety leading up to this, Evan knew he had made the right decision. There was nowhere else he would rather be than here in Connor's arms.

* * *

Zoe was up on the the counter sitting with her legs crossed, eating the cookie dough Connor had impulsively bought despite the fact that he didn't have an oven, and Connor was microwaving the ‘closest thing he could find to a Thanksgiving Dinner’, which turned out to be premade, frozen mashed potatoes and packaged gravy, and a pre roasted chicken that he had stopped by a takeaway store to get, and steamed and buttered green beans.

Zoe had taken over the music, and something boppy, with slightly angsty lyrics was playing over the concerning popping noises coming from the microwave. And Zoe was singing along, almost bittersweetly.

_“These are words I wish you said… but that's not how it went… cos you gave up on us in the end… I won't make it alone, I need something to hold-”_

Evan made eye contact with Connor from across the kitchenette, and Connor couldn't help but smile, even as he could tell Evan was just as worried about Zoe. There was something about being with Evan that soothed his very soul, and he thought that it might be the same in the middle of something as chaotic as a nuclear war or crowded shopping mall. And Evan smiled back at him, tightly albeit, and the room lit up, and god, Connor had missed him, and how pathetic was that, because they had skyped not two days ago, and called the day before, but still if Zoe wasn't there, Connor would be trying to get closer to Evan than was probably possible. It as it was, he was hyper aware that Zoe did not want to see that.

And very aware that something was up with Zoe as another sad song came queued up after that one. Evan was obviously trying to convey his concern through the eye contact he was maintaining with Connor, and Connor simply grinned back, at a loss for a facial expression that said _Yeah, I know, I'm worried to, but I'm handling it_ , and turned back to the microwave.

“So, um, Zoe-” Evan cleared his throat, and inhaled, trying to replace the air in his lungs, and Connor knew he probably thought he was breathing too loud. “How, is everything at home! Um, I mean, what's happening with the school and everything, and um, how is Alana? We fell out of contact about two weeks into term, but she hasn't been posting anywhere at all, so I didn't really take it personally, and um-”

But Evan seemed to have struck a nerve there, because Zoe's face became steely. “Yeah, school is great. The family is great. _Alana is great_.” That last bit seemed to be gritted out from behind closed teeth, like if she unlocked her jaw, words would just keep spilling from her lips.

“Well, um, how are her classes-”

“Can you just drop it, Evan, I don't want to talk about home or Alana right now.”

Evan looked down at his shoes, and shut his mouth. Connor heard something in the coldness of her voice - where usually sat a heavy and comforting warmth - that made him sort of afraid. It reminded him of a time before therapy and medication, when Larry would give him cold looks across the dinner tables, and reminded him of a time he felt lot enough to try and slit his wrists and leave it all behind. A time before Evan.

Connor waited until Evan looked up again and made a face that said _I don't know what's going on but that's not good, and not nice, what do I do about it?_ And Zoe looked down at her lap, and the room fell into silence. The microwave beeped.

He jumped into action, and removed the beans from the microwave, and grinned. “Dinner is ready. Zoe, could you grab plates down from the cupboard above your head? Evan could you grab knives and forks? It's time to carve a chicken I did not cook. And we're all calling it turkey from now on, okay?”

Both Evan and Zoe mumbled an okay, as they went in search of suitable plates and silverware. This looked to be going as well as if they had spent Thanksgiving with family.

“Oh, and Zoe. If you don't tell us what the fuck is going on right now, you will not be getting the best bits of anything, and that's a threat.”

Zoe glared at him from where she was now kneeling on the bench. “Not much of a threat, as long as there's food-”

“Oh, okay, you get nothing until you tell us-”

“That's not fair, Connor, what the hell-”

“You're acting weird and we're worried about you, you just yelled at _Evan_ , for gods sake-”

“Oh yeah, everything is always about Evan, you can't even spare a thought for me anymore, can you?” And Zoe was almost screaming now.

“What does that even mean?” Connor's voice dropped low, and concerned.

“It means you all _left_ , and now I'm alone! And afraid all of the time! And Alana-” Zoe choked on tears, and shook Connor's offered hand off her shoulder. “Alana wasn't- we haven't been in touch.”

Evan and Connor looked at each other with wide eyes, knowing how much it killed them to go one month without each other, but now knowing that Alana and Zoe had gone for almost three, it was no wonder Zoe was feeling this way.

“Zoe-”

“No, no I'm fine, it's fine, I don't need anyone, I-”

“Zoe, please, obviously this is bothering you a lot, and for good reason, you can talk to me-”

“No I can't! Because you're not there either! And you weren't even before that, and I tried not to let it bother me, but it can really get to you if your brother fucking hates you, and screams at you, and smokes all the time, and fucking _leaves you to find his lifeless body on the ground twice_!”

He couldn't describe the feeling the the room then. It was like a collective punch to the gut, he felt his face harden in an effort to stop the tears, as the guilt and the heartache surfaced, and _oh god_ , it was like nobody in the room could find air.

“I watched you _die_ , Connor!” Her voice broke and tears were falling down her cheeks, and he could see Evan shifting in his peripheral vision, and he knew that he wanted nothing more than to not be here for this. To not see their relationship fall more to pieces than it was, though they had both been ignoring that it was being held together by hanging threads anyways. “I had to stop you from dying, twice! And know, that there-” a sob “That we never fixed this. That I would never know you properly, and that- and knowing that I had done nothing to help you, because I knew you were unhappy, and more than unhappy, fucking depressed, and I didn’t do anything! I didn't help! I willfully ignored it, and then you were _dying_! _And I killed you_!”

There was a silence, and it was worse than before and then Connor spoke. “You didn't kill me, Zoe. I'm sick. And I'm alive. You didn't kill me-”

“Well, I didn't help! I let them continue to tear you down, I continued to tear you down, I let you feel lonely and unloved, and guess what Connor? I get it now! I get how shitty that is, because all of my friends moved away, and my girlfriend, my _soulmate_ doesn't call, doesn't care, doesn't tell me when she's back in town! I’m so lonely, and even Alana doesn't care.”

And Connor was holding her, holding her up as her legs gave way and holding her to him, his little sister, his baby sister, he couldn't bare to think of her as lonely as he had felt. There were so many tears, and she was sobbing and grabbing handfuls of his shirt, and Connor saw Evan leave the room out of the corner of his eye before he refocused on Zoe.

Hair in her eyes, tears down her red face, and it was like every breath that fell from her lips was being ripped from her body, and all Connor could do was smooth her hair back, and whisper.

“I'm right here, Zoe, I'm alive, and I'm here, and that's because of you. I'm sorry you're feeling so alone, and I want you to know I'm always a phone call away, and I will always pick up. You don't have to feel this way. I'm right here, I'm not going anywhere.”

And Evan was back with a blanket, presumably from his bed and draped it over her shaking shoulders. They made eye contact over her and Evan nodded slightly, as if to communicate that he was doing well.

“Zoe, after this, after we eat, maybe you should call Alana and tell her you feel this way. You know she cares, she would never want you feeling like this.”

“What, and make her feel guilty? That’s going to be good, calling her after Thanksgiving dinner to tell her she's made me feel like shit, what a good idea Connor.”

Connor breathed for a moment, pushing the urge to be angry and sardonic at her down. “She can't fix what's wrong if she doesn't know something is wrong, Zoe. She can't read your mind, as much as it seems like she can. You guys have to communicate in order to be functional. Otherwise, you're dooming your own relationship.”

Zoe sniffed, and rested her head on his chest, making a movement that was almost like she was burrowing into the warmth there, and Connor thinks that this might be the closest they'd been since childhood. He tightened his arms around her.

“I love you, and I understand you're hurting, but if you don't tell her that, you're going to hurt yourself more. And I care too much to see you do that, okay?”

He felt her vaguely nod into him and smiled a small, yet triumphant smile.

“Connor?”

“Mm.”

“I love you too, and I'm glad you're not… I'm so happy you're here.”

“You know what? So am I.” He felt Zoe smile into his shoulder, and felt her arms snake around him to hug him back, and he saw Evan smile as well, from where he was waiting in the corner of the kitchen.

The food grew cold, and it occurred in the back of Connor's mind that this was not less dramatic than going home for Thanksgiving. And that he'd have to microwave everything again. But in this moment, he didn't mind either of those things.

Here, his sister had confided in him, had cleared some of the air between them, had taken a huge weight of her shoulders and set it down, and he didn't want to leave that moment yet. Not yet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> shout out to @nosecoffee and @ls201. I couldn't ask for better support in this mess I've made. 
> 
> The lyrics come from Miles by Christina Perri. I just feel like Zoe would listen to Christina Perri, it's an overwhelming feeling I get. Like I feel like Connor would listen to a lot of Queen, and Evan listens to Too Much™ ABBA. (Heidi listened to it a lot when he was a kid, and now it's nostalgic and boppy, and he just loves The Visitors - the song, but also the album - He just does.)
> 
> I really wanted to deal with the leftover emotional trauma that Zoe would absolutely feel after dealing with both of her brothers suicide attempts, and also with all of the friends we see that she has leaving town. Don't worry, I'll fix everything with Alana in the next chapter. 
> 
> In the meantime, please enjoy the Murphy siblings slowly working through their pent up anger at eachother in a healthy and positive manner. Thanks for reading.


	5. All I See

From there on in, all had been alright. The food had, as Connor had predicted, needed reheating, but after that sitting down to dinner with two of the people he cared for most in the world was pleasant.they had sat on the beds for lack of other furniture, excluding the desks, which - in hindsight - would have been a better alternative. Even so, they had casually held plates in their laps, and laughed (Wetly in Zoe's case, she still hadn't got over her confessions earlier) in conversation.

Evan had taken this opportunity to tell the both of them some interesting things he had learned as a part of his course. Zoe had told them about all of the early admit applications she was sending all over the country, and the classes she had been applying every part of herself to in order to keep her GPA up, and Connor felt his eyes burn with the pride he felt.

After dinner they rinsed the dishes in the sink and left them to be properly washed the next day, none of them could be bothered to do the whole job. All of them were more emotionally exhausted than physically, but there came a point where even the most mundane of tasks would have had them collapsing under the heavy weight of their own bodies.

Then they were lying around on the floor swapping stories, Evan, stories from his childhood; of truck toys, of the seventies and eighties music his mother insisted on playing to him, of sand between his toes when they used to visit the lake, of blue skies, and cub scouts, and of tree branches stretching up as high as the eye could see.

Zoe shared stories about her, about him, about their crazy, dysfunctional, sometimes happy family. About picnics and planes and blood in the water, about ice cream and tantrums, and hugs to make up for it. About games of make believe in which she was always the princess, and he was always the dragon, about how she knew he would protect her no matter what. About books and loose pages and loose curls, about lost teeth and tears and scraped knees. About their childhood, the good and the bad.

Connor shared stories much the same as Zoe's, about the lullaby his mother sage every night to him up until he was eight and insisted he didn't need it, about Little League, and how he'd enjoyed it for a time until he heard the other kids talking behind his back. About halloweens past where he would dress up as Spider-Man, the coolest of all the superheroes, and how he'd stopped when he was ten. Big kids don't play dress up, his dad had said. He wished he had been allowed a couple more years. He told stories about books he'd enjoyed, and games he'd played with his little sister and about hugs from his mother he'd wished lasted days instead of seconds.

After that an eerie but comfortable silence fell over the group, and Zoe sat up. Evan shifted his head where it was resting on Connor's stomach.

“I have to call Alana. I'll be in the hall, okay?”

“‘Kay.” Connor mumbled and watched her walk almost mournfully out of the dorm. Evan sat up and shuffled up closer to him.

“Can I kiss you?” He asked softly.

Connor couldn't help the chuckle he was repressing. “You waited for the moment my sister left the room, are you trying to start something, Hansen?”

Evan blushed scarlet, and started backpedaling. “No, no, nonononono, that's not what I meant, I just, I know you're not into PDA, and I figured kissing in front of your sister was a no go, but I really- you can ignore me if you want- it was stupid, I'm sorry-”

Connor grasped the boy by the collar and pulled him in to capture his moving lips. Evan smiled, and they melted together.

* * *

Zoe tried to swallow the sour taste in her mouth as she pressed the call button on her phone. Connor was right, if she didn't tell Alana that something was wrong, that something needed fixing, it would never be fixed, and she would be miserable in a relationship that was supposed to be the most fulfilling thing she had ever experienced.

The tone of the phone on the other end of the line was high and shrill in its trilling, and Zoe's finger was itching to end the call, to ignore the pain, the sadness, the anger she felt, and let Alana continue on as she was. She was obviously happy, and that was what Zoe cared about most in the end, that Alana was happy. She could just about hear her heartbeat in her ears when there was a click and a cheerful voice on the other end of the line.

“ _Zoe! It's been so long!_ ” Alana's joyful voice rang around her head, bouncing off her skull, making her feel sick, exacerbating that anger. She was happy. She hadn't noticed how goddamned long they had gone without contact. She didn't know how lonely her soulmate was. She didn't know how hurt Zoe was.

“Yeah, uh, it has.” She stuttered out, pushing that anger down, focusing on Alana's voice.

“ _How are you? Hey, where are you? I went to your house yesterday, and your mom said you had gone somewhere. She seemed worried._ ”

Zoe choked back a sob and wiped at her face - when had she started crying again? - and tried to level her face. “I'm, um, honestly, ‘Lana? I'm pissed. You said you'd call.”

“ _I-_ ” A pause. “ _I didn't call._ ”

“No, you didn't.”

“ _Zoe-_ ”

“Not even when you came back to town, you didn't call me, text me, message me, even to let me know you were alive! The only way I'm keeping up with you is the occasional instagram taken to show what charity work, internship, club, student union you're working with now. ‘Lana, I want to hear from you.”

“ _Zoe, you didn't call either, you didn't message, you didn't do any of the things you just said I didn't do. And you know how anxious I am about starting lines of communication. I will admit-_ ”

“Don't try to get diplomatic here, this isn't fucking Model UN.”

“ _No, it's a relationship, I take my relationships just as seriously, and communication goes two ways, Zoe! I said I would call and I didn't, that I will own up to, that's my fault, yes, but you also didn't call. You didn't try._ ”

Zoe's voice got stuck in her throat and she heard Alana close a door on the other end, and Alana was right. She hadn't tried to open that line of communication any more than Alana had, and she was at fault as well. This was her fault. It was all her fault, she had done this-

“ _Zoe, baby, it's okay, I'm sorry. I wasn't saying it was your fault in its entirety, not at all, I was just saying, I'm so sorry, I was saying that it wasn't entirely my fault. It felt unfair, Zoe, and I'm sorry. You're okay, baby, I'm right here, speak to me?_ ” Alana's voice was pleading now, begging, and hearing that desperate quality in her voice made it harder to choke back the tears.

“I'm here. I- God, Alana, I miss you so much it hurts!”

“ _Me too, Zoe. Where are you, sweetheart?”_

“I'm at Connor's. At the college. Evan turned up as well, a day after me. They're so in love, ‘Lana, and I want to see you, I want to hold you, I want to be with you, and I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have acted like a fucking saint about this, I'm sorry-”

“ _Zoe, slow down, breathe, you're okay, it's okay. We're gonna fix it. And I'll forgive you if you're willing to forgive me, and if that's what you need. We're gonna get through this, but you need to breathe for me, okay?_ ”

Zoe nodded and tilted her head back and took a deep breath. Was this what Evan felt like all of the time? It was fucking horrifying if so. She couldn't imagine living like this all of the time. She nodded, knowing full well Alana couldn't see her and tried to slow her breathing.

“ _Okay, it's okay, you're okay. Zo, I wish you had said something earlier._ ”

“I couldn't. I didn’t think you wanted me anymore, and I just- ‘Lana, I'm so lonely.”

“ _I know, me too._ ”

“I just - it felt like - it felt wrong, because you're my soulmate, and do you know how it felt, how much it hurt, that I thought that my soulmate didn't want to see me or talk to me, and I felt helpless and alone and like nobody cared and, Alana, I miss you, and I wish I could've followed you to college, and that we never had to be apart, and, and, I know, I know that I played a major part in this but-”

“ _Zoe._ ”

“Alana?”

“ _Breathe._ ”

“How?”

And she talks her through it. Zoe hated the fact that she needed Alana to do that, and knew that she had to listen.

When her breathing slowed there was silence on the end of the line.

“‘Lana?”

“ _I'm here. Look, Zo. I'm not gonna let that happen again, I swear. But you gotta help me with that. I can't handle this relationship on my own. It's like parenting. Not that I'm saying you're a kid, I'm just saying that you've gotta support me so that I can support you and we can keep this up. I'll call. I'll write. I'll keep in touch. Hell, I'll make a schedule, but I need you to do the same. Okay?_ ”

“Okay.”

“ _I'm going to call you tomorrow morning. And then the day after. And we’re gonna keep going. Does that sound good?_ ”

“Yes. Yes, that sounds good.”

“ _Why are you laughing?_ ”

“Is it weird that when I called you, that when we started talking, it got a little more colourful?”

“ _Not at all._ ”

* * *

After at least an hour more of sitting in the hallway and talking softly to her girlfriend; agreeing to drive home tomorrow so they can spend a day together, hearing about the clubs she had joined, the classes she was in, the major she was going to declare, the friends (“ _Well, acquaintances really…_ ”) she had made, and then telling her about Band practice, recent assignments, her nerves about SATs and keeping her GPA up, dealing with her parents, now they only had one kid to helicopter, about trying to make new friends, but never really feeling connected to them; they finally said soft goodbyes and hung up.

And despite feeling much better just having heard Alana’s voice, the comfort of hearing her call her baby, of sweet and loving words exchanged, she felt like crying again once they've hung up. But she knows she will see Alana tomorrow. Despite that she wanted to get in the car now and drive through the night, see her in five hours, hold her and be held by her, kiss her for the first time in months.

She sat in the hall for a while, quiet, quashing the urge to run to her car now, with that longing beating at her chest. Finally, she pulled herself together, and went back into the room to find Connor and Evan swaying together in the kitchenette to music.

She can see Connor softly murmuring the lyrics to Iris into Evan’s ear.

_“… I don't want the world to see me, Cos I don't think that they'd understand, If everything’s made to be broken, I just want you to know who I am…”_

And she smiled. There would have been a time where she might have had some of that lingering hatred at seeing Connor so happy, might have thought it was undeserved. But with how he was earlier, and seeing how happy he was making Evan - who was smiling, resting his head in the hollow between Connor's shoulder and his neck, eyes closed, looking more content than she'd ever seen him- she gets to thinking that maybe Connor did deserve this.

She closed the door softly, and as the latch clicked the two of them jumped, almost imperceptibly, they hadn't noticed her until then. Finally, they turned, both of them blushing a little, Evan looking sheepish, and Connor asked: “How's Alana?”

She smiled tightly, holding back tears, she had no idea why she was crying anymore. “She's good, she's well, we talked it over. I'm, I'm gonna go back home tomorrow.”

Connor gave a sweet smile, before pulling a fake offended face. “I feel used, abandoning me the moment your girlfriend is available.”

She grinned back, wiping at her face with her sleeve. “C’mon. You always knew you were a side ho. And as if you wouldn't do the same for Evan here.”

Connor pulled Evan to him, and smiled. “You're damned right I would. We’ll have breakfast before you go?”

She nodded. “Hey, who picked the music? I haven't heard this song in forever.”

“Our Evan had what he calls an ‘alternative phase’. This is apparently as hardcore as it got.” But Connor was grinning like he was the proudest he'd ever been, knowing Evan had tried to be edgy. Evan just blushed harder and buried his face in Connor's sleeve.

Zoe plodded over to the kitchen as the bridge started and took her brothers hand, remembering all the times as kids they had tried to choreograph dances to songs they had loved, pulling out, and twisting into a ballroom turn that Connor effortlessly recognised, and worked around.

Evan's stepped back for a moment, admiring the two of them in the impromptu waltz they were concocting, both of them seemingly more graceful than they would otherwise have looked. Connor dipped her, and Zoe had to laugh, tipping her head back, giving way to gravity. Connor laughed as well and pulled her back up into a hug.

Things were already looking better than they had been.

* * *

“Zoe, cookie dough is _not_ dessert.” Connor called from where he and Evan were lazing on the bed. “You could get salmonella, and then you'll have to go to the hospital instead of seeing your girlfriend, how would you like that?”

Zoe pointed from the kitchen bench, and looked down at her phone to check the time. “It a half hour until Black Friday Sales start. Let's go to Walmart and pick up discounted shit. Including something sweet. I have a craving.”

“Ugh, Zoe, I don't feel like getting my arm ripped off for discounted goods. You know people die, right? Get trampled, and shit like that. Besides think of Evan here. That is a high stakes situation. This has been a mostly nice night, let's not ruin it by going to the most dangerous night of the year for Christmas shoppers.”

Evan gave a small smile from across the room, Connor's head in his lap. He seemed to be attempting a braid of some kind. “I'd really rather not go non-verbal tonight. Selective mutism sounds like fun until you can't speak enough to leave the place that's making you unable to speak.”

Zoe nodded. “Is there, like, a delivery service for cupcakes or ice cream or something? I seriously need something sweet-”

“Check the mini freezer. I think Mark left a tub of some kind of ice cream in there.”

A pause as Zoe got off the counter and checked the freezer. “Peanut, pretzel and chocolate. Is your roommate a demon? We are not eating that.”

Evan nodded, knowing full well he had left his epipen at home. He really didn't feel like dying that day. Connor nodded, despite the ice cream sounding like something he would love to eat. “Anything else in there?”

“Electrolyte popsicles, who bought those? Did you get sick, Connor?”

“No, Mark got sick, I had to go and get them for him. He didn't like the flavour, but I figured having them around was a good idea.” Connor shrugged.

“A bag of frozen peas-”

“For when Mark comes home with bruises, which is surprisingly often-”

“Puff pastry, bacon- you guys don't even have a stovetop, who bought bacon?”

“I did. It was an impulse purchase.”

Evan could practically hear Zoe rolling her eyes, and Connor laughed like he had seen the very action.

“There is nothing else in here except for freezer blocks and spinach.” Zoe remarked, like she hadn't heard them laughing at her just moments ago.

Connor shrugged. “We mostly get take away, so there no need to stock up. Check the bags I brought in. I think I bought M&M's?”

Zoe's head popped up from behind the counter, excitement in her eyes and a smile on her face, and then she ducked back down and they heard rustling and then: “Aha!”

Zoe appeared again and rounded the corner of the counter ripping the top off the package and immediately shoved a handful into her mouth happily. She dropped herself down on Mark's bed and laid herself out opposite the two boys.

“This was exactly what I needed.” Her voice was muffled by the mouthful of chocolates. “Thanks, Connor.”

“No problem.”

There was a pause, and if Evan didn't know the Murphy siblings and their contemplative silences so well, his anxiety would have been sounding a Code Red alarm at that moment. Instead all was silent and calm.

“Let's go around the room and say what we're thankful for this year.” Zoe said. “I'll start, youngest first. I'm grateful for the beautiful world of colours I discovered this year and my beautiful girlfriend who goes hand in hand with it. I'm thankful for good friends and supportive family. And I'm thankful that I get the chance to get to know my brother again.”

Connor smiled, and Evan did too, they seemed to be doing a lot of that, and there. That was it. “I'm thankful for the smiles I've been blessed with this last year. I'm thankful that this is my reality, that I get to live here, do this, see colour, be happy every once in awhile.”

All eyes turned to Connor, who seemed deep in thought, almost going soul searching for an answer.

“I'm thankful to be alive, and I'm glad it's because of you two.”

And Evan was so grateful for that as well, it made his heart feel close to bursting. Connor was thankful to be alive, and the world could melt away now. His boyfriend wanted to be alive. _Nothing_ was more important than that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to @nose-coffee! She's incredible, and her help in writing that scene with Alanais the only reason I'm updating this now. And thanks to @ls201! Without your support I would not have the motivation to write! 
> 
> I'm cake-snake on tumblr, if that's important to you.
> 
> I'm an angst bitch who needs constant validation. Please validate me.


	6. All You Need

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just a warning before we start this chapter, because I've recently been reminded about trigger warnings. This chapter includes discussion of suicide attempts, and a panic attack. Please god, take care of yourselves.

“... Anyways, I need to get some sleep so I can actually do my exams. I love you.”

There was a pause, that Evan almost construed as hesitation, and then:

“ _Yeah. Love you._ ”

“Bye.”

And then the dial tone. Connor had hung up. Connor had always been abrupt, but Evan was starting to get worried. Between the last two visits - Connor seeming withdrawn, sad, uncertain, hesitant, almost unwilling to touch him, limited eye contact - and the last couple of phone calls - one word answers, disinterest, a wandering mind, and that - No goodbyes - Evan was definitely thinking something was wrong.

The first thought was that Connor was off his meds. And Evan didn't know what he could do about that. Accusing Connor of being off his meds would be the worst thing he could do, could worsen the situation, make Connor hate him more. Maybe he'd have to send Zoe or Cynthia after him, to make sure.

And then came the worse thought. In three days would be December 12th. The one year anniversary of Connor's last suicide attempt. And despite what he had said at Thanksgiving, Evan couldn't help but think: ‘Oh god, what if he's planning another attempt?’ The thought terrified him. That Connor could be thinking of hurting himself- let alone killing himself- was a punch to the gut.

Evan was going to have to do some investigating and act fast if this was what he thought it was.

* * *

**Private Chatroom opened 12/10/17 by eh.**

**ZMurphy, 4:31pm:** Evan?

 **eh, 4:31pm:** yeah. Hi, Zoe. Umm, not to be weird, but has Connor seemed a bit off recently?

 **ZMurphy, 4:36pm:** I mean a bit. He hasn't been calling home as much, but we figured that was because he was using the extra time to study or something. He's been a little on edge, if you feel.

 **eh, 4:37pm:** You don't think he's gone off his meds, right?

 **ZMurphy, 4:38pm:** well now I'm worried.

 **eh, 4:39pm:** sorry. He's just been super withdrawn

 **eh, 4:39pm:** and

 **eh, 4:41pm:** I'm scared that he's thinking about hurting himself.

 **ZMurphy, 4:42pm:** you heard what he said, at TG. he said he was happy to be alive, surely nothing big has changed since then evan

 **ZMurphy, 4:44pm:** I don't think I could deal with it again, I love him, but I can't do this again evan

 **eh, 4:45pm:** I know. I just don't know what he's thinking, and I'm just worried, I'm certain it's just the paranoia. I'm gonna ask my mom if she's seen the same kind of changes but I'm this close to just catching a bus down and doing the confrontation thing myself.

 **ZMurphy, 4:47pm:** keep me posted. Keep an eye on him.

 **eh, 4:50pm:** I will. Stay safe, Zoe.

 **ZMurphy, 4:50pm:** I will Evan. Same to you.

* * *

_Incoming Call from Sweet Child o’ Mine_

“Evan?”

“ _Hey mom._ ”

Truth be told, Heidi kind of knew why her son was calling. Because she was concerned about Connor as well. They used to have weekly phone calls, Connor felt he could turn to her to let out all of the stresses of the past week, the phone calls with his family, the piles of assignments, his dorm mate being strange, or whatever the case may be. But recently, the calls were few and far between, and Connor wasn't as open, or responsive, and wasn't as willing to tell all that was wrong to her.

And with all that had happened, if nothing else, that was a tip off that something was wrong. And she wanted to help him, and god, she was worried that she'd done something to lose his trust. And now, with Evan calling on an unscheduled day, without warning - well, that just wasn't something her son did. Evan hated the phone.

“What's up, sweetheart?” She asked, knowing Evan would want to explain in his own time and on his own terms what his concerns were. She had learned not to rush her son many years ago now, upon finding that instead of having the desired effect of helping him overcome his stutter, and getting his thoughts moving faster, it would freeze him and his thought processes in their tracks. And then she'd have a meltdown on her hands, which was traumatic for the both of them.

“ _Well, uhh, mom, it's just- I'm a little- I was wondering-_ ” a frustrated grunt, and Heidi waited patiently for Evan to put his thoughts in the right order to say them out loud. “ _Have you spoken to Connor recently? Has he seemed a bit… off to you?_ ”

“I spoke with him last night, sweetie. But yes. He's definitely seemed withdrawn.”

“ _Yeah, okay, okay, mom, what do I do?_ ”

“What do you mean, Evan?”

“ _How do I help him?_ ” He sons voice was almost pleading over the phone, and it took all of her strength to not start crying right there and then.

“The same way you always do, Evan. You let him know you're there, that you see him, that he's not alone. You let him talk to you. That's all you can do.”

It was the same advice she had given him time and again, but in her mind, it never stopped being relevant. So many mentally ill young people felt unseen and unheard and it only exacerbated their conditions. To be explicitly told that there's someone listening, and to be shown that someone is there had to help.

And so many times, teenagers felt it was up to them to save the day, that they needed to be strong enough to save each other, and it just wasn't the case. The best thing they could do was be there for each other, and so it was a piece of advice that she would never stop giving.

“ _Yeah, okay mom. Look, you're not gonna get angry with me if I spend some of the money in my account on bus tickets out to Binghamton, right?_ ”

“Of course not, sweetheart. Was there anything else?”

“ _Mom?_ ” And Evan's voice broke there, and she knew there was something heavier weighing on his mind.

“Yes, Evan?”

“ _What if-_ ” a broken sob, and oh god, Heidi was fighting back tears now as well. It was a well established fact that when Evan - her little guy, her baby, her one and only - cried, she would to. She couldn't help it. The night of Connor's suicide attempt, that had been her one exception. Everything had moved so quickly it hadn't been until she was in the waiting room that she finally allowed herself to cry.

And Evan kept talking. “ _Mom, what if he's planning another attempt? What if he's hurting himself? What do I do then?_ ”

And that was the place her mind just didn't want to go. She wouldn't go so far as to say that Connor was like a son to her, but she would be lying if she didn't say that the boy had a special place in her heart, and the thought of him causing harm to himself again, it gave her chills.

“I don't know, sweetheart. You try and help him as best you can. But these are his choices, Evan, and no matter what, you promise me you won't ever blame yourself for his mental health. Please, promise me.”

“ _I promise, mom._ ”

“I love you, Evan, more than anything in the world.”

“ _I love you too, mom. I'm coming home for the holidays, so I'll see you soon, okay?_ ”

“I'll see you then. Keep me updated on how Connor is. Bye Evan.”

“ _I will. Bye, mom._ ”

The dial tone. Heidi knew she hadn't calmed Evan's fears, not in the slightest, but she knew she had given him enough reason to justify actually going out to see Connor, and find out what was wrong for himself. And that had to be enough. It had to be worth the quiet panic they were both going through. It had to be.

* * *

Evan couldn't believe that he had actually dropped all of his study two days before his final exam to travel an hour east. And probably for nothing. It was probably the anxiety fuelled paranoia that was telling him that something was wrong. But then again, he had gotten confirmation from the two sources closest to Connor that he had been behaving out of character to them as well.

Either way, he was on the doormat outside the dorm with a fist raised, ready to knock. And not knocking, hesitating instead. With his heart in his throat.

Carefully, he swallowed, and breathed, and before he could think better of it, knocked on the door, and stepped back.

All of a sudden, the door opened, and Evan was faced with a man he had never seen before. Tall, wearing a tank top, despite the cold, with a trendy haircut that always reminded Evan of the 1940’s. He had deep set eyes, and eyebrows that furrowed as he saw Evan.

He stepped out into the hallway, and closed the door behind him.

“You're Evan.” It wasn't a question, and he looked up at the stranger questioningly. “Connor's boyfriend, right?”

He nodded dumbly.

“I'm Mark, Connor's roommate.” He held out a hand to shake, and Evan wiped his hand on his shirt before holding his own out to shake hands. Mark’s grip was firm and confident, and it made him feel his grip felt like a weak, limp fish.

“Hi.” He said, not sure what else to say.

Mark let go and bit his lip, all of a sudden not so confident. “Look. Connor isn't in the best place right now. He hasn't out and said he's got a mental illness, but between the pills, and the constant napping, and the outbursts of anger recently, it wasn't hard to figure out. I just wanted to make sure you were prepared.”

“For what?”

“The anger, man, he's just so angry and sad recently, and man, he's told me how nervous you get, I didn't want you to get shocked by it.”

Evan blinked, once, twice, three times. Mark had just given him a warning about his boyfriend. Like he couldn't handle whatever Connor was going to throw at him.

“Thanks, Mark, but I'd like to see Connor now.”

Mark nodded, and stepped aside. “I'll let you guys be alone, okay? I'll be back around eight.”

“Thanks.”

Mark walked down the hallway, still lacking a jacket, and Evan refocused on the door, turned the doorknob, and stepped through the doorway, stifling his panic. And there he saw Connor curled up under his covers, facing the wall.

And his breath fought in his chest, and he forced out a broken: “Hey.”

And Connor was all of a sudden in motion, he turned over, throwing the covers off, looked at Evan, first with confusion, and then, instead of the delight he'd come to know, Evan saw anger. Connor was angry. At him.

“Oh, fucking _brilliant_. I bet you're hear to fucking figure out if I'm okay, right? Perfect. Fucking _perfect_. None of you can just respect my privacy, and my need to be my own person, right?” Connor got up, and stalked towards him, was all in Evan's face.

But Evan was too distracted to feel the anxiety. Connor's arms - which forever had been healing scars, usually accompanied by fresh bruises - were covered in scabs. And there were deep circles under Connor's eyes, and, god, this wasn't him. Or it was, but he was sick, sicker than he had seen him for a good long while. On his bedside table, Evan could see his prescription bottle, half full, and a glass of water next to it. He was still taking his pills. He didn't want to think about the other options that could go along with that image.

In front of him, Connor's hair was greasy, and his hands were flying, and he was so, _so_ angry. But Evan was removed, could barely hear the hate that Connor was spewing, because it was obvious it wasn't about him. Connor was in the middle of a BPD episode.

He could recall the symptoms now, and wondered how he hadn't figured it out before. This wasn't about him, it was about Connor. Who was probably so, so scared right now. And Evan knew how volatile he got when he got scared, he lashed out, he took it out on anyone he could reach.

He stood, not speaking, not reacting, for what felt like forever as Connor shouted, stomped, screamed, hit things. Letting Connor just vent. And Connor turned, rage in his eyes.

“Why aren't you fucking reacting? What is wrong with you? Why don't you hate me? Huh, Evan? What will it fucking take to drive you away? What?! How long do I have to scream at you? How long do I have to act like this? What do I have to do? What? _What?!_ ” And now, Evan was slightly scared as Connor stalked closer, knowing Connor wouldn't hurt him, but still he gasped a little and stepped back. 

And it was that. Connor's face fell as he realised what he had said, and what he had done. What he had seemed ready to do. And his eyes filled with tears and he moved backwards. “I'm so sorry, oh my god, Evan, I'm so sorry.”

Evan walked forward to try and comfort him, and Connor back-pedalled further. “No, no, you don't want to be near me, why the _fuck_ would you want to be near me, get away, oh my god, I don't want to hurt you.”

“I know. _I know_ , I know you won't hurt me, I trust you, it's okay.” His voice was surprisingly steady, and he was walking towards him. He knew Connor wouldn't want to be held right now, couldn't be held right now. But he needed him present.

Connor fell to his knees, his disgust at himself evident in his face. “Oh god, Evan, what the fuck did I do?”

“You said some things you didn't mean, I understand, it's okay, you're okay.”

“Evan, I fucked up, oh fuck.”

“It's gonna be okay.” He said, and he was in front of Connor, his hands pushing Connor hair from his face, running his fingers through it, combing out the knots.

“I'm so sorry.”

“I know.”

“I'm so, so sorry, I didn't mean it, I didn't mean any of it.”

“I know. It's okay, you can do a proper apology later, just tell me what caused this. Please. You obviously need to vent, just talk to me.” His voice was almost pleading, and he was on his knees as well, in front of Connor, looking in his eyes, purposefully not holding him. He knew Connor needed to feel everything right now, couldn't be numb.

Connor sobbed inconsolably, disgusted by himself, and shook his head.

“I can't- Evan, you shouldn't forgive me, god I- I would never, you need to know I would never do that to you! I could never- Evan, I don't want to hurt you, I could never hurt you!” And Connor's hands were on the sides of his face, and there was a wild look in his eyes as he tried to assure Evan.

“I know, Connor, I know baby.” He had no idea why he had called Connor ‘baby’. It it had seemed right at the time, and this wasn't about him, so he wasn't going to dwell on it. “I know you would never hurt me, Connor, I trust you. I love you, and I trust you. I know you wouldn't hurt me, please tell me what's wrong.”

Connor bit his lip, and looked up. “Just… everything. I'm just so stressed, with exams, and- and- and- I've been feeling so lonely, and it's not- I love you, and I love supporting you, and I love supporting Zoe, but I've been feeling a little- like a bit forgotten, like I couldn't talk, my problems weren't the thing we needed to be focused on, and I just- I'm sorry, that's so selfish, and so stupid, I'm sorry-”

“Baby, it's okay, it's okay, those are all valid feelings, you don't have to apologise for that. I'm sorry you were feeling that way.” He ran his hand through Connor's hair again. “Keep going, it's okay, this is a safe place, you can tell me, okay?”

Connor took a deep breath and kept going.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much to @nosecoffee, who proofread this before leaving me for a week to go to camp. I can't believe you've abandoned me. And thanks to @ls201, whose encouragement is always lovely and helpful. 
> 
> I'm cake-snake on tumblr, if that's a thing you need or want to know. 
> 
> I'm needy and in constant need of validation, so please comment! Even if it's just a key smash, I appreciate it. 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	7. Slam on the Brakes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for this chapter include: mentions of retching (unconnected completely from the eating disorder in the permanent tags), mentions of hair pulling as a coping mechanism, mentions of rejection. 
> 
> I really want to keep this fic safe for all y'all, so if you pick up on anything that is triggering, or potentially triggering, please let me know so I can add it to the warnings. 
> 
> Much love, 
> 
> H.

It had taken about an hour for Connor's sobbing to calm down, and for him to ask - almost beg - Evan to hold him. He had never used to be so emotionally volatile, never used to cry in front of people. Barely even used to cry by himself. And now he was crying left and right, sobbing into Evan's shoulder all of the time, tearing up at the slightest word. Before he left, he had discussed it with his therapist, who had thought it was the result of years of bottled up emotion finally being given somewhere safe to be released.

It made some sense, but Connor was starting to get annoyed at his own teary nature, and couldn't imagine others weren't as well. Especially Evan, who usually had to deal with his sweaty, wet face, and his running nose, and the complaints of headaches after the fact.

Here, just about cradled in Evan's arms, it was easy to reflect on this stuff. With the calm. And the warmth, and the softness there to catch him when he landed, inevitably calmer, happier, having been as introspective as he needed for as long as he needed.

And that was the lovely thing about Evan. He waited to be told when to stop and start. He waited until Connor asked to be held, probably knowing how much it freaked him out to go from that angry and scared to the all consuming calm of his arms. He had to be told to stop asking for kisses, it still hadn't stopped half of the time. It was endearing, and showed he really cared about what Connor wanted, but sometimes, what Connor wanted was to get straight to the kiss, and skip the asking. He was still tentative and hesitant in the smallest of touches, still cocked his head in silent askance any time they did have the time and space to be intimate, checked in at any chance, grinned whenever Connor whined impatiently instead of answering, and Connor would never get that small, teasing utterance of “ _Use your words, Connor._ ” Out of his head. Nor would he want it gone.

But here. _Here_. Now. He wanted to be present. Wanted to be here in Evan's arms, steadying his breathing, focusing on the way that Evan had just forgiven him, hadn't seemed shaken at all by his outburst. Instead had immediately tried to comfort Connor, had reassured him that he trusted him, that he loved him, that he wasn't going anywhere, wasn't leaving, when all Connor could focus on was that horrifying flash of anger in which he had felt ready to commit acts of violence. It not against Evan. Never against Evan. The wall, sure. Himself, absolutely. But never, ever Evan.

But there was a flash when he wasn't in control, and he thought he was going to- was going to- and his stomach rolled over and he fought his way out of Evan's arms and over to the trash can that lived under his desk as he retched.

Evan's hand rested now on his lower back, and his other hand was gathering Connor's long hair away from his mouth, and he could vaguely hear comforting, soft words in Evan's voice, but couldn't make out the specifics. He chose to close his eyes and focus on the cool air against his hot, sweaty skin.

“... You're okay. It's okay, Connor. Are you- is it- are you feeling better?”

Thinking for a moment he nodded and unhunched his back as Evan's presence left his side. He blinked - and must have done so very slowly - and Evan was back at his side with a glass of water, and soothing hands pushing his hair away from his face, cupping his cheeks, holding his shoulders firmly, as though to affirm that he was really there, really present. And his eyes were filled with worry, but not that self conscious worry he usually had.

Connor sipped the water, finding it soothed his now raw throat, raw from the screaming, the crying, and now this. He took another few sips for good measure.

“I- I'm sorry, Evan. That was- you shouldn't have had to see that.”

“Hey, I'm your soulmate, I'm bound to see things like this. I'm just worried about you. How did it get to this? Who- what- you're seeing a therapist, right?”

Connor looked down, ashamed, because even with how much importance he hand placed on Evan finding a therapist, he hadn't done so himself. Had been too scared to try and find one in area that would work for him.

He still remembered Zoe's horror stories from when she was actually getting treated for trichotillomania - the only reason she was actually getting treated at that time was because of the family image. It didn't sit well with either parent having their pretty little girl wander around with no eyebrows and rapidly growing bald spots on her scalp. And they had wilfully ignored his issues at the same time. God, he was still angry about that. Among other things, the therapist they had sent her to had suggested snapping a rubber band around her wrist when she felt the urge to pull hair, despite Zoe having explained time and again that it was subconscious. In any case she had fought tooth and nail not to go back, because of this therapist trying to implement a new self destructive action in the place of another she couldn't control.

Thinking back, that was when the guitar lessons, the knitting, the hairstyling started, she started refocusing on other activities. Even so, their parents had been semi sympathetic, but Connor could tell they were disappointed she wasn't taking the only help they were offering.

Back to the present, the answer to Evan's question was that he did not have a therapist because he didn't want to have to talk over things he had already established with someone who knew him at home. Didn't want to have to embarrass himself like that again. He had established trust with Doctor Aspen at home, had opened up already, and he didn't want to have to go through that again, only to establish that this person wouldn't work for him.

He looked up at Evan and shook his head, and instead of disappointment or pity in Evan's face, he stayed the same, slightly worried, but understanding, and Evan just nodded.

“We'll have to fix that then. You need support, Connor, and I can do some of that, but professional help really is the best alternative. I know it's the most inflammatory thing to ask, and I'm sorry, but I do have to ask. You've been taking your meds?”

“I- yeah. I'm still on them, they're still okay for the most part. I just- sorry. They make me so tired, is the only thing. I don't think my dosage of the Ritalin is high enough, but I haven't been able to discuss that with anyone, so I've just been dealing with it. “

Evan frowned a bit at that. “Is that why Mark said you've been taking a lot of naps?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay. So that's something we’ve gotta work on. Maybe you can book in for an appointment with Doctor Aspen before the holidays end to get that fixed, but you do need a psychiatrist up here. Things like this need fixing. If something's wrong you have to take the leap to change it.”

“I know, it's just, it scares me.”

“Me too. Everything is freaking terrifying all of the time, but you need to know that there are people here around you ready to help you through it. Hell, if you called your mom, she'd probably drive up here to help you. You know she would.”

Connor laughed a bit at that. His mom would do that. If he called her at four in the morning for that very reason, she would start driving then. Because she was trying to be better, trying to be there for him now, knowing she hadn't been there for him before. She was calling, sending care packages, anything she could do to feel like she was supporting him. But if he were to ask her for help, Connor couldn't help but feel she might melt with happiness before doing anything.

Evan's eyes just about lit up seeing Connor laugh. “We can fix this. Hey, someone wise once said ‘There's a solution to every problem we face.’”

Connor sniffed and chuckled. “Sounds like a smart person.”

“Oh yeah, handsome too.” Evan replied, trying hard to keep a straight face.

“Kiss me?”

Evan made a show of thinking about it and then ducking forward for a moment to place a peck on Connor's lips. They both smiled, as they parted and Connor leant forward to kiss Evan softly in response. Evan's hands tightened where they were, squeezing comfortingly at his wrist and shoulder.

“Hey,” he said, distracted as they parted for the second time. “All that yelling before, was that it? Do you feel better for it?”

Connor blushed just thinking about his outburst, still embarrassed and disgusted with himself for it. And also at the thought that he didn't at all feel better for it. He felt like there was still more of that vitriol inside him, bubbling up and boiling over. He shook his head slowly, afraid to say out loud that he wanted to scream more, needed it, almost.

Evan thought for a moment, and pushed Connor away, and that needy, rejection sensitive part of Connor was whispering in his ear. _Now you've done it_ , it said, _you finally pushed him away. He finally hates you. Congratulations, you're a waste of air and no one likes you_ \- and Evan picked up one of the folding chairs he and Mark kept in the corner of the room in case of guests. That threw him. And then Evan reached a hand down to him to help him up.

“Drive us somewhere remote. If you need to yell, we'll go somewhere we can't disturb your neighbours, and you can yell at the chair, while l stay in the car and listen to music until you're done. Guilt free venting.” He said, and Connor's eyebrows must have been in his hairline at how surprised he was at the suggestion, and how surprised he was that he liked the idea.

He nodded as Evan pulled him up. Having gathered coats and keys, they headed out to do just that.

* * *

His throat felt raw, worse than before, but his body felt lighter and his mind freer. He knew this wouldn't last forever, that this was a temporary fix to his very permanent problem, but it was nice to know that this was something he could do if he was feeling desperate for some relief from the usual overcrowding in his head.

Evan had told him, as he climbed back into the car, that they were going to wait for twenty minutes before going, just so that Connor didn't try to drive angry or upset. But Connor didn't feel upset. And that looming anger he had become accustomed to having bubbling in his body, was gone for the moment. What he felt was relief instead. Relief at the emptiness where the anger had sat. Relief at the quiet in his mind. And he felt the warmth of Evan's hand in his.

He was calm, and empty, but content for the first time in a while.

“Evan?”

“Mm?”

“I'm really glad you came out here. I feel better. I always feel better with you.” His voice was raspy and cracked a little, but the sentiment was there, and Evan turned to him and smiled.

“I'm so, so pleased to hear that. I love you, and you make me feel better whenever I'm with you, too.”

Evan's face was like the sun, and it was one of the few times that Connor was reminded that Evan was his soulmate, that he had a soulmate.

It felt like a lifetime ago that he had believed that either soulmates were a fairytale, or if they were real, that he wouldn't have one. Now, Evan felt like the only constant in his life. Sure, that was bordering co dependent, but looking at Evan's face, his bright smile, his deep hazel eyes, that were Disney princess green in the right light, his faded sun kissed freckles, and that little excess of chubbiness in his cheeks that had finally returned after the first month of college. He wanted to hold Evan so close in this realisation, this remembrance of how fate had thrown them together, how they were meant to help each other, how they were meant to support each other through thick and thin.

And he resisted the urge. It was the wrong time, and the car was the wrong place to cuddle. Instead he looked right over at Evan, and tried to clear the sappy thoughts from his mind.

“Do you feel safe with me starting to drive again?” He asked.

Evan nodded and smiled. “You seem calm. Let's go.”

Connor started the car and pulled them off the side of the road where he had pulled over to go and scream in the middle of a field. He was surprised no police or something had been called, but he supposed, that was the point of going somewhere barely anyone lived. Nobody to hear him scream.

They headed back from the sparsely populated outskirts of town, and travelled back further in, along the river, back to his residents hall, and somewhere along the way, Evan's hand had inched its way over to Connor's knee, squeezing comfortingly, holding tight. There was no ulterior motive in the touch, his hand was simply there, letting Connor know he was there.

It was just nice. It was just there. It was an ordinary miracle that Evan was even there, and he supposed that that was what soulmates were. Ordinary miracles.

* * *

Leaving was bittersweet, having only got there eighteen hours ago. But both of them had to do their final exams, and Evan knew that Connor would be coming to collect him in a couple of days to take them home for the holidays. They would see each other soon. But the words _Parting is such sweet sorrow_ had only once before seemed so prevalent, and that was when Connor had left Evan's dorm the first time, leaving him that first time.

Connor's hand came up to cup his cheek, and he smiled at Evan. Evan couldn't help but smile back, and move his head, and move his hand to over Connor's hand, to press his hand into his lips, kissing Connor's palm.

“I'm gonna miss you.”

“I'm gonna miss you too.” He replied.

“But when we see each other next, exams will be over, and we'll be halfway through our first year of college. Won't that be great?”

Connor grinned. “Yeah, that will be great. And we'll get some time off. We're that much closer to being able to declare a major.”

“It's so nice to see you excited about school. This time last year-” Evan looked down for a moment. The look in his eyes indicated that Connor didn't miss what he had realised had happened this time last year. What Connor had done this time last year. “Well, March this year you were convinced you were gonna hate college. Now look at you.”

“Eager to get to classes, racing through homework. What can I say? I'm enjoying it.” Connor inched his other hand ever closer to Evan's hand, taking it and holding it between them, holding their joined hands to his chest. “And I have this incredibly supportive boyfriend…”

Evan tilted his head back and laughed. “Funny, so do I.”

Connor leant forward and finally kissed him, not a goodbye kiss, but a promise of soon to come. Evan was still smiling, so happy, pressing a curved mouth into Connor's, making them both pull away laughing somewhat.

“I love you.” Evan said.

“I don't deserve you.” Connor replied.

“It's not about deserving someone. That's not how the world works. Besides which, I don't think you give yourself enough credit. You're deserving of so many things. Regardless, I just love you.”

“I just love you, too. More than anything.”

Evan quickly leant up to kiss Connor, and then pulled away. “I've got to go.”

“I'll see you in a couple days. Call me when you get back.”

“I will. I love you. You're gonna do great on exams.”

“So are you. I love you. Now get. C’mon, before your bus leaves.”

Evan rolled his eyes and pulled away to walk towards the terminal, offering a last wave as he boarded the bus.

Evan just had to make it through a few more days. A few more exams. And then he would see Connor again. That hope was enough to lead him through the next through days.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope y'all enjoyed. I tried to resolve as much from the last chapter as I could, and give you guys at least a little fluff. 
> 
> Okay, I was rushed to type this this morning, but thanks to @ls201, who had been madly working this past week, but continues to make time to talk. No thanks to @nosecoffee, who abandoned me to camp in the mountains for a week. 
> 
> I made mention of trichotillomania in this chapter, and that is for a very specific reason. And that is that I don't think we look a lot at the less violent iterations of self harm that are out there. All of these iterations are bad, but hair pulling is something quiet and often unnoticeable. I also make mention of the rubber band technique of curbing destructive tendencies. I, personally, have a lot against it -a personal vendetta, if you will - but I do recognise that it helps people. Just for this particular instance, and for these urges which are often subconscious, I don't think it's an appropriate coping technique. 
> 
> From here in it's gonna get a lot fluffier. Like, a lot. That's a promise.


	8. Not Giving Up

“Seriously,” came Jared's voice, and Evan looked up excitedly from his ice cream. “Ice cream is not a food for winter! It's just not, I don't know why you two are so obsessed with this place.”

Evan and Connor left their seats to greet Jared and Rachael, both grinning, noses and cheeks flushed pink from the cold.

“I can't believe it's been four months!” Jared spoke again, hugging Evan tightly, and then moving on to hug Connor, who was hesitant at first to embrace, and then melted into his friend.

“It's been entirely too long!” Evan agreed, going in to hug Rachael, who happily accepted.

“How's New York?” Connor asked.

Jared laughed. Evan couldn't be certain why he laughed.

“Cold.” Rachael replied, grinning, her eyes sparkled. “But the place to be.”

The two sat down on the other side of the booth, and Connor and Evan slid back into their seats. The tension from Connor's outburst just a few days ago was still there between them, but also the sweetness from the moments after, and all of the sweet moments before.

Things between Rachael and Jared seemed good, they were close, they seemed so blissfully happy, trusting. Evan knew that there was obviously more to their relationship than met the eye, like he and Connor's relationship, but he couldn't help but feel that he and Connor weren't holding it together as well as they were.

“How's school?” Connor asked, and took Evan's hand back in his. “You flunked out yet, Kleinman?”

Jared smiled, and chuckled. “Not yet, Murphy, but maybe next semester they'll throw me out.”

Rachael clutched at Jared's arm excitedly. “This one has been getting amazing grades! And we've been looking a lot at impressionist theatre, and all my theory work has been coming up with pretty decent grades. And we've been decorating our apartment-”

“Your apartment? As in, together? In New York?” Evan said suddenly, surprised at himself. “S-sorry. I didn't mean- isn't that, like, really expensive- sorry, I didn't mean-”

And Jared laughed and reached across the table to grab hold of his wrist comfortingly. “Evan, buddy, we understand that you didn't mean anything by it. Rachael's parents are loaded, basically, and they're paying the rent. We're paying for everything else. They told us that usually they wouldn't be all good with Rachael's boyfriend staying with her, but they figured since we're soulmates it should be fine. We can't do irreparable harm at this point.” Jared laughed. “They underestimate my abilities to ruin everything.”

Rachael leant her head on his shoulder. “I've _told_ you, you need to have more faith in yourself.”

They share a sweet look, this little eye contact punctuated by a smile that Evan hasn't seen Jared give anyone ever, this genuine smile, bittersweet and loving. Rachael's gaze was open, honest, she looked at him like he was the most beautiful thing she had ever seen, and Evan wondered if sometimes he and Connor looked like this. Jared and Rachael looked so in love, like they were the first people to find true love in the entire world. He squeezed Connor's hand, and Connor gave him a look, somewhere between bemused and concerned.

Connor leant in and pressed a kiss into his hair, and all of his worries seemed to dissipate. What was he thinking, comparing his relationship to Jared's? They were different people, and they showed affection in different ways. Evan shook his head, and tried to refocus.

“... so yeah, we're kind of halfway between our two schools, but it's good. And the apartment is a little small-”

“Cozy.” Rachael corrected. “It's lovely, don't act like you don't love it.”

Jared rolled his eyes. “So I might be a little in love with our apartment. It's got hardwood floors, guys! Good condition hardwood floors. And a decent amount of windows, some of which don't look out onto other people's apartment buildings! That right there is the American dream!”

Connor laughed. “Sounds better than dorm life. You guys have a kitchen at least. Even Evan managed to snag somewhere with a kitchen.”

“My dad happened to have something saved up for my college tuition, which was weird considering the lack of child support payments on his part. Anyway, we put it into the dorm room, and I managed to get that, which is slightly better than a normal dorm.”

“Ev, you have a kitchen and a living room, you basically have a fully furnished apartment on campus.” Connor pointed out.

Evan rolled his eyes. “Well, considering I might have to stay there for in excess of a decade, I might as stay somewhere comfortable. And I don't hear you complaining when you come and stay.” He blushed at this last admission, and found Jared's next statement being interrupted much appreciated.

“Oh my god, Zoe's here, Alana's here, Evan, get up.” Connor's tone was rushed and excited.

Evan slid out of the booth and watched Connor rush to pull the door open for his sister.

Their relationship wasn't fixed, per se, but, seeing them like this, all grins, and hugs, and utterances of how much they missed each other, one wouldn't know. Zoe had, in the intervening time, dyed her hair a sort of pastel blue, almost Evan’s favourite colour, and it matched her and her brothers eyes in such a way that it made her look sort of alien, or otherworldly. And Alana certainly looked at her like it. Like she was entranced. Evan guessed that all of their qualms had been solved, or as close as they could come to it.

Jared and Rachael got up to greet them as well, everyone hugging, talking about how much they missed each other.

When Zoe came to him, Evan couldn't help but wrap his arms around her. “Love the hair.” He mumbled.

“Thanks. I got it done professionally this time. Mom said if I had to look like this, it may as well not look trashy. Which, honestly, it kind of did before. I did not do a good job of dyeing my hair before.”

Evan laughed. “It wasn't the best job, no.”

“You doing better?” She asked, pulling back to look at him.

“Yeah. What about you?”

“Much better, I have news!” She whispered excitedly.

Evan raised his eyebrows to convey his intrigue. “What's it about?”

“I'm gonna tell the group, Connor doesn't even know yet. It wouldn't be fair to tell my probable future brother in law before my actual brother.”

Evan flushed at that description. ‘ _Probable Brother In-Law_ ’. He and Connor had talked about not wanting to rush into any long term commitments this young, but Evan had to admit the thought of marrying Connor, being with him forever, was tempting. Something he wanted with his whole being. Just, eventually. Not right now. Neither of them were ready for that commitment.

He was getting off track. He looked back upwards where Zoe was grinning. “You just got distracted at the thought of marrying Connor one day, didn't you?” Evan ducked his head in ashamed admittance. “Oh my god, that's _adorable_!”

“Shut up. You're just as annoying as a real sister when you do that.” He joked. She stuck out her tongue, and moved on.

And there was Alana. “Hey.” He said.

“Hey Evan.” She replied, and seemed to hesitate before moving in for a hug, which he happily accepted.

“How're you doing?” He asked, pulling back.

“Oh, very well!” She said, beaming, her grip cementing on his elbows. “I joined so many clubs, and all of my classes are lovely, and very informative. And now that Zoe and I are on the same page, everything feels like it's perfect. How are you, Evan?”

He considered for a moment before replying. “I'm starting to find a good balance for me. Grade are coming back fairly positive. I've made a couple of friends from the little practical bits that we do out in the parks.”

If possible, Alana seemed to smile wider. “That's so good to hear.”

She pulled away, and found Zoe's outstretched hand, pulled it up and pressed her lips against it. They were so sweet, Evan decided. Just then, arms encircled his waist, and Connor's chin hooked over his shoulder. And he couldn't help but lean back into his boyfriend's warmth.

“Cute, guys!” Jared called, and he felt Connor hand shift, presumably to give him the finger.

“Love you.” Connor mumbled.

“I love you, too,” Evan replied.

He felt Connor grin against his skin, and then he pulled away, and pulled Evan back to the booth. Evan's ice cream was almost all melted at this point, not worth eating, abut he wasn't really hungry at this point either. He was content to sit with Connor and talk with their friends, and watch the rest of the world go by.

“So,” Zoe started, superseding any and all other conversations that were happening. “I have news.”

Everybody seemed to look around, to get a sense of whether anybody else had hear what Zoe had to say. It seemed she had told no one.

“Go on,” Connor said.

“I have an early admit to Juilliard. I sent in an application early, and they came to a concert, and they sent an acceptance letter a couple of days ago. I'm going to Juilliard!”

The table erupted into cheers and congratulations, just too loud for Evan, but he tuned it out, having been blown away by the good news. Alana was kissing her, probably unable to find the words to express how proud she was, and Evan knew she was proud. Connor had got up out of his seat, was pushing Evan, as gently as possible, pretty much ushering him, out of the booth, and bouncing (bouncing! Oh, man, Evans boyfriend was adorable) at her side, waiting to pull her into a proud hug.

Jared and Rachael were grinning at each other, and spouting congratulations to her, offering to help her find nice places to stay and to eat, and whatever else they could be of assistance with. And Evan was stuck, stock still, simultaneously so proud and happy for her, but also wondering what his position in this situation dictated he did, he wasn't her brother, wasn't her significant other, not someone who could offer advice, or calming statements. The closest he was was a friend. And they hadn't spent enough time together for Evan to really, truly say that they were friends, especially considering his old, huge crush on her. He didn't want to get too close, that was all too embarrassing.

Evan so, he made his way to Connor's side and placed a hand on her shoulder. “Well done, Zoe, we all knew you could make it.”

And she beamed up at him. This adoring little smile, and Evan could understand why he'd been so smitten with her for such a long while. He saw that smile in Connor sometimes, and really, it could have been his sound reaching out to that little shared trait. Or maybe that was stupid, and he was super bi, and very in love with Connor now. Disgustingly in love with Connor.

Still, thoughts of his crush on Zoe made him feel guilty, like he has somehow betrayed Connor just by, before they had met and known each other, having a crush on his sister. That he got over before Connor came into his life. Even while understanding the torch he had carried for her was unhealthy, and placing her on a pedestal, which was just super unhealthy.

And he needed to stop thinking about this, because he had been frozen there for too long, and Connor was looking at him funny, and oh god, he was stupid, and borderline incapable of directing himself through any social interaction. He withdrew his hand, and tightened his smile, and wrapped an arm around Connor.

“My sister is a genius child.” Connor stage whispered to him.

“I know. A prodigy,” Evan responded.

“A rising star.” Connor countered.

“The one to watch.”

“One of the next 30 under 30.”

“Truly talented.”

“Shut up, guys, this is a serious conversation, not a show and tell about how cute you guys are.” Zoe interrupted. Connor stuck his tongue out at her. “Besides, you have plenty of time for all that tonight at dinner with our parents.”

“Your what?”

* * *

“Evan, Connor! Come in! Evan, it's been too long since we last saw you. Oh, I'm so pleased to have you both here!”

The first snowfall of the year had just started, and as they entered the Murphy home, Evan turned to Connor and ruffled some of the snow out of his hair, little wet spots falling in the carpet below them. In turn, Connor wiped a few flakes from his hair, his cheeks, his eyelashes. Cynthia continued to fuss over them as they removed their gloves, scarves, coats, and moved into the living areas.

“Have we seen Alana and Zoe yet, mom?” Connor asked, as soon as his mother took a breath.

“Well no, they said that they were going to have ice cream with you, and then they were going to the library for some time.”

Connor shot him a sideways glance, and then made a sort of face. Evan rolled his eyes back to him.

“Oh, Connor, did you hear Zoe's good news? She told us this morning, and I'm just ecstatic, aren't you?” Cynthia was beaming as she continued on making dinner.

“Yes, she told us while we got ice cream. It was all incredibly exciting, right Evan?” Connor's tone was almost mocking, but Evan could hear that slight falter in his voice, that hesitation to mock his sisters achievement and his mother's excitement.

“Oh hush up, Connor. What _did_ you think of Zoe's news, Evan?”

“I'm- I-” Evan closed his eyes, and breathed deeply. Even having been doing dinners here for close to a year, but he always found the aura in the house, and the feeling of the conversations made him feel overwhelmed. Even so, he pressed on as he felt Connor's hand close over his. “It's quite an achievement, I'm very happy for her.” He said.

Cynthia nodded madly, and turned back to the gluten free, vegetarian lasagne she was making. Connor leaned over.

“You don't have to eat that if you don't want it, I can stop by somewhere to get edible food when I drive you home.” He whispered.

Evan laughed, before responding in a hushed tone. “You know, I actually want to eat it. It smell surprisingly good, and I am craving any kind of vegetable right now. I haven't been eating enough, and my mouth is watering just looking at the amount that's in that.”

Connor looked like he was about to burst into hysterical laughter at any point. “Next you'll be telling me you want socks as a gift for the holidays.”

“Well… they would be a practical and welcomed gift-”

“See this is how you can tell we're broke college students. You want vegetables and socks.”

“I eat, like, one vegetable a week if I plan right. I'm stocking up now.” Evan defended.

Connor kissed his forehead. “Dork.”

Evan leant up and kissed him properly. “Git.”

“Ugh, Connor, when I said dinner was a time for show and tell about how cute you guys are, I was joking. You guys are adorable, we get it.” Zoe chimed.

Connor grinned and stuck a finger up at her. “It's my house too, I'll be as cute as I want to.”

“Well, you don't live here full time anymore, Connor, so you-” Alana started, diplomatically.

“Alana, I cannot believe you would betray me like this. Siding with my sister-”

“She is my soulmate. That means I love and support her through all of her endeavours. Even if those endeavours include teasing you.” Alana replied. Zoe kissed her cheek happily.

“Hey!” Even chimed in. “If we're not allowed to be cute, you guys aren't allowed to be either.”

“Oh no, Alana, whatever shall we do? We have to keep our hands to ourselves, and rely on our self control to not rub our pda in everyone's faces!” Zoe's said in mock horror.

“Oh Zoe, but I can never control myself with you. I have the self control of a teenage boy!” The girls giggled.

“Okay, I'm started to feel attacked.” Evan stated.

“It's because you're being attacked. It's not that hard to refrain.”

Connor made hard eye contact with Zoe, and pulled even in for the most passionate kiss they'd shared around other people, and Evan couldn't help but blush- cheeks, neck, ears turned pink- even as his hand wandered into Connor's hair.

“Connor, really, you can stop now, I get it. I really don't want to see you actually eat Evan's face, as into it as he seems.”

And now the both of them were blushing, and Cynthia was looking over the counter with a confusing mix of discomfort and pride on her face. Evan could only assume that she wasn't used to this particular kind of behaviour in her house, but was happy that her children were happy, and seemingly get along, if only in a teasing manner.

"I'd like to say that this is better than the pride party you all threw a few months ago, but it's really not." Larry says, coming down the stairs, and Cynthia brightens up.

“Dad, I've said time and again, I had nothing to do with the streamers, and I didn't even know we still had fireworks.”

Zoe said, as Connor said:

“Well to be fair, the pride party was great, and kissing my boyfriend is also great, so when you say that this isn't better, I assume you mean that we have reached top tier greatness as far as experiences go.”

Larry just rolled his eyes, and entered the kitchen to check in on Cynthia, what she was making, how she was. Sometimes the two of them seemed like they were barely making it all work, but as Larry pressed a kiss into his wife's hair and wrapped an arm around her waist, Evan could understand why they were still fighting to keep this. They were, underneath it all, still happy.

“Now Connor,” Larry voice was strict and commanding, and Evan tensed for whatever was coming. And then his demeanour changed entirely. “How's college?”

And there was such excitement in Larry eyes, and openness to listen to him in the way he was approaching the subject, and Evan watched Connor falter for a moment, caught off guard, thrown off balance for a moment.

And then he recovered, and smiled, because this was the kind of thing he had told Evan that he missed about his dad over the years. “Well…”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, just fluff. Alright, y'all, we have two more chapters of this to go. 
> 
> Please, in the meantime, check out a collaborative fic I've been working on with two friends. It's a Stephen King's It AU, we're really proud of it, and it's where all of my extra effort from this has been going. The two authors I'm working with are just the best! Incredible writers, beautiful people. Seriously checkout ls201 if you haven't yet, and also nosecoffee. 
> 
> Special thanks to those two, again, as usual, for their faith in me, and for their encouragement as I stayed up till three the past several nights to get this out to y'all! 
> 
> Stay tuned, guys, this will be finished soon.


	9. I'll Be There

“Oh, Connor, you're already here.” Heidi said, opening Evan's door, finding the two wound around each other, blinking in the morning sun. Her eyebrows were raised. “I didn't hear you come in last night.”

Connor gave Evan a look of slight panic before turning back to Heidi, still groggy. “I, uhh, I came in through the window.”

“The second story window? In the middle of the night? On the coldest night of the year so far? So cold, in fact, that icicles formed on the roof of the patio and snow fell? _That_ window?” Heidi crossed her arms. “Evan, really, you shouldn't be encouraging this reckless behaviour.”

“Mom, really, he was carefu-”

“Regardless of how careful you were Connor, you should know that that was dangerous. That's it, you're getting a key to the house, you're never to come in through the window again, do you understand me?”

“Yes, Heidi.” Connor looked scared, and Evan hadn't heard his mother speak to anyone like this since he was a kid. He had to assume this was her ‘nurse voice’, the same way some people had a ‘customer service voice’.

“Now,” she paused, took a breath, and looked up, eyes clear of that worry and anger. “Who wants pancakes?” She smiled.

Evan's eyes sparkled, and he was immediately in motion.

And, oh my god, if watching Evan throw on a jumper and run down the stairs at the prospect of his mother's pancakes wasn't the cutest thing he had ever seen Evan do.

* * *

“No, no, Evan, I don't need you to help me, I want to cook it all. Come on, let your mother cook you one meal while you're home.”

But Evan was already chopping potatoes, grinning at Heidi. Connor was sitting at the table with a cup of tea in hand, laughing a little at the mother and son interacting in front of him. Heidi was tugging jokingly at his arm, laughing as much as Evan, before leaning up to kiss his cheek. “This is the only job you're allowed to do, I really want to do this myself.”

“Sure, mom.” But there was a an edge to his smile that told Connor that he was not going to stop helping. Heidi turned back to the roast she was preparing. They looked so happy together, and there was a part of Connor that yearned for this kind of relationship with his own mother. But it was too far gone, at this point. He had to build something else with her now, and hope it was nearly as fulfilling.

And then, all of a sudden, there was flour everywhere, as even moved on from propping potatoes to making bread, and dropped the bowl of flour all over the bench. It went everywhere, all over Evan's face, clothes, hands, dust settling in his hair, the only part of Evan that wasn't completely white was his lips, now resting open in shock.

And Connor couldn't help but let out a surprised laugh. Evan's eyes darted to him, panic seemingly in his eyes, and Connor closed his mouth, and got ready to apologise and comfort, he blinked, and something soft but solid hit the side of his face and seemed to explode over his shoulder. He opened his eyes to find flour in the air much closer to him now, and white covering his face.

“Oh, no, you did _not_.”

Evan stuck out his tongue and brushed some of the flour off himself, getting ready to run. And Connor was up, grabbing handfuls of flour from the bench, hurling them at Evan, grinning, and the other by throwing handfuls back. Finally Connor gained enough ground to vault over the bench to his boyfriend pulling him in and pressing a measly handful into his hair.

“I give up, I give up!” Evan said, hands up by his sides in surrender.

Connor ran his fingers through Evans's hair, loosening all the flour in it. “Damn right you do.”

Heidi cleared her throat from the stove, where she was standing. They both looked over to her. “Is this what you're like when I'm not here? Crawling through windows, having food fights?” She waved a hand in their general direction. “Is that why you've gotten so pale, Connor? All that flour started seeping into your pores?”

Connor laughed and released Evan with a kiss to the forehead.

“Seriously boy, get outside at some point, you look like a vampire.” Heidi cupped his face, high above hers in her hands, with a loving smile.

“Well I would, but I have to study to get good grades, and studying happens inside. Besides, it's too cold for going outside now, Heidi. You don't want me to freeze, do you?”

She mock sighed. “I suppose not. I guess I like having you around.”

“Oh, I guess I like having you around too.” Connor rolled his eyes and grinned.

“Now clean this and yourselves up. Evan, you're not to try and help anymore. If this is what happens when you help, I will never need your help again.” Her voice was joking, but the two could tell she was serious about cleaning up, and got to it.

* * *

With the two of them clean now, and the bench top wiped down, and the floors swept, all that was left to do was to fret over whether the Murphy’s would find something to pick at about their home. And Evan seemed to have that job covered.

Evan was muttering to himself as he lined up remotes, fluffed up pillows, hid anything he deemed to unseemly from sight, vacuumed for the third time since Connor had arrived, anything he could to stop any judging from happening. He was breathing too fast.

“Ev, baby, they're not going to be that judgy. I swear. They really like you, they're not going to care about the house.”

“Connor, you guys live in the fanciest house in this town, and you're now used to this house, but they've never been here before. They're going to see all of the stuff you don't anymore.”

Connor rolled his eyes, and put his hands on Evan's shoulders soothingly. “Ev, it's fine. I promise you, my mom won't let my dad say anything, and she's too nice to say anything herself. I promise you, it'll be alright. There's no need to mop a third time.”

Evan nodded, doe eyed, breathing still too fast. “Okay, breathe with me. In for five.” They inhaled. “Hold for three. Out for five.” They exhaled. “Good. You're doing so well, okay? In for five. Hold for three. Out for five.”

Evan's eyes fluttered closed as they breathed, and Connor pressed his forehead against his. They went through a couple of more repetitions.

“You feeling better?”

Evan nodded. “You're so good to me.”

“I love you. I want you to feel safe.”

“I feel so safe with you.”

And Connor felt that this must be what it feels like to have your heart grow two sizes, like in _The Grinch_. Just a few days ago, Evan had shied away from him, seemed scared. But now, now, he felt so light, so happy, hearing that Evan felt safe with him. He couldn't help the little gasp that passed his lips.

“I love you so much, Evan. I can't believe how lucky I've been to be here, being on the earth at the same time as you.”

Evan's body moved closer to his, and his arms wrapped around Connor, and Connor's arms moved around Evan, and this was so peaceful, so quiet, and his mind stopped the usual constant buzzing, that was the panic alarm that was almost constantly going in his brain.

_Click._

“Sorry, don't let me interrupt, it's just so sweet, and I don't think I have any pictures of you two together yet, I'll leave, sorry boys.” Heidi said somewhat sheepishly.

Evan sighed against his shoulder. “We’re never going to be alone together with her in the house. She means well.”

“I know, it's sort of sweet.”

“But mostly annoying.”

“It's fine. I love your mom, Ev, you don't need to excuse her.” And then there was a knock at the door. “Please forgive my parents, though, having said that.”

“There won't be anything to forgive.” They pulled back. “Can you get the door?”

Connor smiled softly and nodded. He walked to the door , and opened it to find his parents and Zoe on the other side.

“Oh Connor. Where are our hosts? Do you often answer the door for the Hansens’?” Asked Larry.

Connor blinked slowly, processing that, pressing the looming anger back. “Well Heidi is cooking, and Evan's anxiety isn't good for answering doors. Won't you come in?”

The Murphy’s filed through the door one by one, Cynthia and Zoe shooting him a sympathetic smile as the walked in. Obviously Larry was in a mood today. He closed the door behind them. Distantly he heard Heidi greet them. And then there was a hand on his, and he looked up, and it was Evan, his Evan. He could breathe.

* * *

“So, Heidi, what are you studying?” Asked Cynthia over dinner.

“I'm learning to be a paralegal. I'm working as a nurses aid right now.” She answered.

“Oh, Larry’s firm is always looking for new paralegals, we could-”

“I still have another year left to go, I think it's jumping a little too far ahead of the game to try and secure a job at this point.” Heidi was smiling, if a little uncomfortably. Evan knew his mom really hated accepting what she thought of as ‘charity’, as well intentioned the giver was.

Larry nodded, knowingly. “Of course, but keep us in mind when you graduate. Cynthia is right, we are always looking for new paralegals.”

There was an odd look on Heidi's face, somewhere between amused and embarrassed. “Does that mean you keep firing them?”

Larry opened his mouth to answer when Zoe interrupted. “So, Connor, tell us about your final exam, it sounded interesting.”

As Connor launched into an explanation of his final exam for the semester, Evan and Heidi shared a look over the table. His a warning look, to not bring the subject back up, after Zoe's successful diversion, hers a look of semi revulsion at the ‘help’ she had just been offered.

He willed her to understand that they thought they were actually being helpful and had no ill intent. It didn't help that his mother still carried anger for the time that Connor had to live in their house for weeks to avoid his father.

Evan himself had still not entirely forgiven Larry for that. For the first time he saw Connor so lost and dejected. There was a part of him that would never forgive that. But he wished his mother weren't so hostile about not forgiving them. He wanted them to get along, wanted them to be able to have family dinners like this where they could all be happy, and get along for the most part, and not fight. Evan was done fighting, he did too much of that with his own brain.

The dinner progressed, slowly, awkwardly, full of silences, and Evan couldn't be sure that they're going to be able to recover this, and then Cynthia puts down her cutlery and looks up to Heidi.

“I-” she pauses, and composes herself. “We never thanked you, Heidi, for everything you and your son have done for Connor, and for our family. The way you took him in last year, the way your boy, your Evan saved his life, convinced us to get him help, we could not be more grateful. Without you and Evan, I don't think we would have made it this far.”

And his mother, to her credit, didn't show the shock he knew she felt. Because she had still been operating under the assumption that they didn't care - about their son, about where he was, about who he was with. She had thought that it had been the initial shock of his attempt that had made his parents so distraught the last time she had seen them. She couldn't imagine anyone loving, caring for anyone the same way she did with Evan. But in Cynthia's voice there was sincerity, and in Larry’s face there was caring.

And Heidi smiled. “I love Connor more than I thought possible, and it's been my pleasure to support him the way that we have. Though, I would appreciate him never feeling like he can't live in his family's house again, I think that was traumatic for everyone involved.”

“We don't plan to ever make either of our children feel that way again.” Larry interjected. “My problems should have no effect on them, and I have since realised I was wrong, deeply wrong, in that situation, that my opinions were skewed, and overblown, and apologised to Connor, and to Zoe.”

Heidi nods, and Evan can see that proud glint in her eye, even beyond the scepticism. He's learnt, she must be thinking, he's learnt and he's fixing it.

Connor smiled, and gripped Evan's hand. Maybe it wouldn't fall apart after all. And even if it did, Connor would be there to pull him from the rubble and brush the dust off of him. He was safe here. Nothing else mattered.

* * *

Heidi sat still at the table as Evan saw the Murphy's off. She was staring into the distance, looking confused.

“Mom?”

“I've spent _so_ long, being _so_ angry with them. And she apologises and thanks us, like that will absolve them of all blame. They- they kicked him out of the house, all because he brought you home. They didn't help him until somebody else stepped in, like his struggling didn't matter until somebody else thought he was worth saving. And I can't forgive them for that.” She told him, and Evan nodded, because he understood.

Everytime he saw them, he could feel that anger, just below the surface of that expected pleasantness he showed. There were parts of him that still wanted to yell, and scream, and tell them that the fact that he was hurting, still backsliding into that dark place was their fault.

And, yet, now he could see that they were trying - truly trying - to fix what they'd broken, to try and rebuild the trust they'd lost, to actually build the right foundations for their family. Evan could understand that. It was just so hard to see through bricked up windows.

And, now, the Murphy’s were offering them a sledgehammer.

“I know.” He said, and sat down on the stair opposite her. “I know, it makes no sense, and it's _terrifying_ , but life is full of second chances, and would we be good people if we didn't give them one?”

“I don't know, Evan.”

“They're trying to change. There are good intentions there. I feel like if they're changing we should change, too, even if it's just so we don't immediately put a up a defence when we see them.”

“What if they hurt him again, Evan? What if they...what if they hurt _you_?”

Evan sighed. “That's a risk we’ve got to take.”

“But we don't.”

“You're right. But taking that risk is the right thing to do. And you know that. It the right thing for Connor. He's chosen to give them a second chance, chosen to take a step in the right direction to having what we have with his own mom. He's made a decision, and I have to respect that, we have to respect that, because it's not our decision to make. What we can do, mom,” and he smiled. “Is we can support him, and hold his hand, and help him through the tough times.”

Heidi looked at him, cleared eyed and proud, because it was obvious that Evan had been listening to her, taking her advice , and now hearing it fed back to her made her prouder than she could imagine ever being again.

“I love you, Evan. And if you and Connor ever need help… if this all goes south… you know you can come to me.”

Evan squeezed her arm. “I know. I love you too, mom.”

* * *

“ _Dorm, sweet Dorm._ ” Evan said, pushing his case through the door, dropping his scarf hat and keys at the door. Connor smiled as Evan turned on the heater for the dorm, and walked around half opening blinds, and turning on lights.

“It's gonna be cold in here for a while still. When do you have to leave again?” Evan asked, turning back to him, and Connor was just about blown away by how Evan's face was hit by the soft light. He was lit up, angelic, breathtakingly beautiful.

“T-two hours.” He stuttered out.

“Stay with me?” He asked, and how could he say no to that? How on earth could he refuse that?

He walked over to him, wrapped his arms around him, all smiles, and sweetness. They sat down, laid down on the little loveseat. They stayed there for a while in comfortable silence, breathing together. Connor had just about fallen asleep, when he heard the whisper.

“Connor?”

He blinked, and looked up, and Evan's face is full of tension. His hand came up and brushed Evan's cheek. “What's up?”

“I-” He cut himself off, seemed to reconsider, his mouth moving, no noise coming out, like it did when he was extremely anxious.

“Hey. I'm right here. You're okay. You can tell me anything, you know that.”

“I'm scared of what happens after this. After college.”

And Connor couldn't help but laugh, as much as he knew it wouldn't help Evan's anxiety. “Ev, baby, you've still got, on average, eleven more years here to achieve your PhD. You don't need to worry about this now.”

The crease between Evan's eyebrows lessened, but didn't disappear. Connor rubbed a finger over it, relaxing those muscles. “Besides which,” He continued, “I know exactly what's going to happen after this.”

Evan gave him questioning eyes, and Connor smiled. “Do tell.” Evan said, still quiet.

“We're going to get married, at some point, whenever you're ready, whenever we're ready. We don't need to, we're committed to each other already, but we want to make it official for our families, mostly our moms. It's a small ceremony, because you don't like crowds, but it's the happiest day of our lives. We'll go and visit Humboldt Redwood State Park and spend all day under the trees, and you'll babble about them and take so many pictures, and I'll smile and probably get sunburnt, but I won't care because I'll be so happy.”

Evan smiles, and pulls himself closer to Connor. “Once you've graduated, we'll work out a place to live, near to a national park for you, and close enough to civilisation for me to teach. Do you want kids?” He found himself asking.

“Yeah.” Evan said softly.

“So we adopt, or we become foster parents, and get kids like us out of the system. I'll help them with their homework, and you'll take us for hikes every weekend. We'll have Saturday dinners with your mom, and Sunday lunches with my family. We'll stay in touch with our friends. We'll grow up, and get jobs that we love, and continue to love each other until death do us part, as we promised. We're going to live the American dream. Our family won't be perfect, but we will help kids, love them, and help them love themselves. Stop them from becoming as desperate as we were. As we are. We're going to do so many things Evan. Just you wait.”

“Did you ever think you'd do all that in your life before…”

“Before you? No. I didn't think I would make it to college. Hell, I didn't think I’d make it through _senior year._ You work miracles, Evan Hansen.”

“You're the light of my life, Connor Murphy.”

And for now, they were content to let the world spin without them. They had all they needed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One more chapter! An epilogue. I think you guys will like it. 
> 
> Alrighty, big thanks, as usual to @nosecoffee, a goddess walking among us mere mortals, my saviour, the best sister on this planet. She helps me when I write myeself into a corner. 
> 
> And huge thanks to @ls201, another real life goddess, a truly talented human. She keeps me motivated and validated, and is always there to bounce ideas off. She keeps me sane when I see eighty customers in a two hour period at work. 
> 
> Hey, if you guys like my writing, and the writing of those aforementioned authors, maybe check out our fic 'if only i could not see it'. It's an It AU, and I have been told it's not for the faint of heart, but we really love the work we're doing, and really want to share it. Please check it out. 
> 
> Alright. One more chapter to go!
> 
> Please kudos and comment if you enjoyed, and you can find me on tumblr @cake-snake! Thank you for reading!


	10. Believing that We Belong

_6 Years Later_

The party was now in full swing, everyone laughing, drinking, clinking glasses and toasting the graduate they were there to celebrate. Connor Murphy, 24, and a Graduate of the State University of New York. He already even had his first teaching job lined up, and Evan couldn't be prouder of him. His boyfriend, his soulmate, and unbeknownst to most around them, soon to be his husband.

“Connor, are you really sure we should be doing this? I mean-”

“Evan, if you hadn't told me a million times how much you wanted to marry me, I would think you're getting cold feet.” Connor was sporting a smile on his face and a drink in his hand. Evan looked at it pointedly. “Shut up, you know this is my first of the day, and I'm going to wait until toasts later to have another, I'm being responsible, I promise.”

“I'm not getting cold feet. I'm just not sure about all these people.” Connor's family, extended and close filled the room, as well as their college friends, the few they had branched out to make, but had made nonetheless, and even Evan's dad had showed up, saying something about it not being right to not attend his future son in law's graduation party. Evan hadn’t been sure about inviting him at first, but Connor had made the argument that it was their secret wedding, and his dad should be there, even if he never saw him again.

And of course, through the crowd he could see his mother’s halo of blonde hair, and Zoe Jared and Alana with her. Cynthia was in the kitchen, Evan knew, and Larry was in the doorway, talking to some relative. “Just, springing it on them seems wrong-”

Connor dipped down to meet Evan's lips, and Evan barely startled at that anymore. It was just who Connor was, and it was something he'd become accustomed to, even comfortable with. “It isn’t about them. It's about us. Now, please be truthful. You want this, right?”

“More than anything.” Evan had never been more sure of anything in his life.

Connor grinned and there was a moment of silence between them, where that excitement grew, and grew and-

“I can't believe we're doing this!” Evan whispered.

“I can. I just can't believe it's taken us so long.” Connor replied, his smile never wavering.

“Were not rushing into this, right? I mean we're only 24-”

“Ev, sweetheart, we're soulmates. We're gonna be together forever. If the worst we could do to ourselves is get married a little early then we're invincible.”

And Connor offered him his arm. “It's 3:00pm. It's time.”

Evan grinned and took his boyfriend’s- fiance’s- soon-to-be husband’s hand, and climbed the stairs to the landing, to commit to a future together.

* * *

“Hey,” Zoe said, squinting up at the landing. “Isn't that the officiant from Cousin Kelsey’s wedding? What's he doing here?”

Alana's eyes widened. “He's marrying Evan and Connor.”

“Oh, sure, haha, ‘Lana, but seriously, what's he doing he-”

Alana grabbed Zoe's shoulder and turned her so she was looking properly at the scene before them. “ _He's marrying Evan and Connor._ ”

The officiant stood in front of Evan and Connor, who seemed to be giddily speaking, holding hands, looking at each other like people who were only now glimpsing the stars. Zoe distantly heard her mother gasp, and saw Jared narrowly avoid spitting his drink down his front and over Rachael, who was smiling in a suspiciously knowing manner.

There was a glint as rings were exchanged, and ‘I do’s’ were said, and the whole room went silent as the officiant said ‘You may kiss the groom’. And then Evan turned to Connor, just barely holding it together, she thought she saw tears in his eyes - though they were happy tears - his mouth turned upwards. And where Evan was barely holding it together, Connor was on cloud nine, all grins, and suppressed laughter.

Evan tenderly took Connor's face in his hands, as his now husband brushed away stray tears, and reached up to kiss him sweetly, and there, the room exploded into applause and cheers. The boys broke away, laughing, Evan bounced and Connor thrust their still joined hands in the air triumphantly. Zoe couldn't help but cheer at that.

They looked so happy, _were_ so happy, and Zoe couldn't help but hope something similar was in her future with Alana. Maybe with a little more warning, though.

* * *

The moment they descended the stairs, their friends were at them.

“You brat!” Zoe exclaimed, a massive smile on her face, and a hand coming up to smack Connor up the backside of the head, sending his long hair flying. “I can't believe you didn't tell me you were getting married. Did you tell anyone? I will hurt them, I can't believe you didn't tell _me_ -”

“Okay, first, ow. Second, congratulations wouldn't go amiss. I just got married.” Connor was ecstatic about finally being able to say that after the months of planning in secret. The smile wouldn't leave his face. If only high school could see him now.

“Yeah, okay, congrats assholes-”

“And,” Evan interrupted, seemingly still high on the adrenaline of getting married. “We did tell people. Of course we did. You know, my mom, Larry, Rachael-”

At that Jared scoffed and turned to his girlfriend, shocked. “But you can't keep a secret to save your life!”

Rachael shrugged and laughed. “They needed someone to keep you guys too preoccupied to notice Evan's inevitable freak out.”

“Oh, fuck me! I knew you were trying to get me drunk!” Jared exclaimed and then turned back to the happy couple. “Congrats, guys, Mazel Tov!”

Connor slung an arm over Evan's shoulders, and Evan's hand came up, with no hesitation, a learned practice, and took his hand. They grinned at each other, and Connor could only imagine they looked the very picture of happiness, god knows he felt it.

Alana stepped forward now. “I can't believe you guys robbed me of the chance to plan this-”

“Lana, come on-”

“But I love you both, and I forgive you, and that was an incredible surprise-”

“Mothers of the grooms, coming through!” Came Heidi's voice, and the crowd parted like the Red Sea for their mothers to find them across the room, and he watched Evan's face light up even more, if that was possible, as Heidi pulled him into her arms. Of course, his focus meant that he was taken by surprise as his mother pulled him in.

“Oh Connor! I can't believe you didn't tell anyone!”

“Are you gonna believe it when I say I told dad?”

“You what?”

Cynthia rounded on Larry, who really hadn't been far behind the two, in the first place. He gave Connor an expression that read, very clearly, ' _Abort, abort_!' Cynthia looked between the two, a blank expression on her face.

Then, a grin split the thunderclouds in her eyes. “Oh, Connor! I'm so _glad_ you and your dad cooperated like this!” She pulled them both into a hug.

Zoe pushed her way in, too, exclaiming, “It’s not a family group hug without the favourite child.”

Connor nearly pushed her out of the circle for that one. He didn't, though, and instead accepted the kisses his mother pressed to his forehead and the awkward ruffle of his hair from Larry, and the second slap to the back of the head of the night, from Zoe.

“It's not a family hug without my husband.” And he heard his mother just about melt with delight at those words as he blindly reached out and brought Evan into the hug, and Evan got just about the same treatment from everyone, except that Zoe hit him a little more softly than she had hit Connor. “Preferential treatment, much?”

“Shut up or you'll get it again.”

Finally, the family broke apart and Heidi made her way over to Connor and pulled him in for a tender hug. “I'm _so proud_ of you two boys, and how much you've grown. I'm so proud to call you my son in law.”

Connor bit his lip to keep back the tears that threatened to spill at being told she was proud of him, and squeezed her tight to him. Over the past six years, Heidi had become like a second mother, the person he called if his own mother or if Zoe didn't pick up and he needed advice, or just someone to talk to. Heidi was always willing if she was available. Connor felt he could really confide in her, and that was rare for him.

Over Heidi's shoulder he saw that his parents have wrapped Evan in a similar embrace. And further away from them, he could see Evan's dad standing stock still, waiting for one or both of them to be free. He had no idea how to interact with this man, and so held Heidi closer for a moment, until he saw that his parents had let Evan go.

They could face this together.

* * *

There was a point at which getting congratulated crossed a line from exciting and lovely, to overwhelming and scary, in Evan's brain, and it happened when Mark and his girlfriend had approached, and Mark had done that straight dude high five/handshake thing, and slap of Connor and Mark’s hands colliding had jolted Evan out of any calm he had left. And Connor seemed to notice immediately.

“You okay? Do you need to leave?”

“5 minutes? Can we leave after five minutes?”

Connor smiled softly. “Yeah, of course.”

“I know we haven't had toasts yet, and you wanted to stick around for that, but I don't think I could handle it, and-”

“You don't have to justify yourself to me. Better or worse, yeah?” Connor's hand was soft and comforting on his face, and he could hear the clicking of cameras as he looked up into his boyf- his husband’s eyes. “I love you, and we can leave before I wanted to if it's going to be better for your mental health. No judgement.”

Evan nodded. “Thanks. I love you.”

“I love you too. And now everybody knows it.”

Evan grinned. The future had so much in store for them. It wasn't that some days they didn't slip back into old self destructive behaviours, that sometimes Connor stayed in bed for two days because he couldn't find the energy to get up, that sometimes Evan couldn't leave the apartment and go to class for the fear resting below his ribs. But they got through it, and they loved each other, and they made time to see their friends, to spend time away so that the time together would be as good as it could be.

And now. Now, Evan couldn't believe it, because soulmates or not, this man, the love of his life, had chosen to spend the rest of his life with him. And as they left the reception, and looked up at the darkening sky, the stars bright against the midnight blue, Evan couldn't help but think that Connor was all that he would ever need to be happy.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they lived - mostly happily- ever after. The end. 
> 
> Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you! For those who read this, to those who left kudos, to those who commented. I couldn't have done this without that support. 
> 
> To my baby sister, the best person I've ever met, thank you for always being there to tell me when something was shit, or to write me out of a corner, or providing motivation or inspiration by writing your own fics. Thank you! 
> 
> To the best friend I have yet to meet. Can you believe we've now both finished the fics that caused us to meet!? It's surreal. I'm so glad I met you, and that the Universe wanted us to meet so badly that AO3 was the place it happened. You're incredible, so talented, and I can't wait to continue working with you! Thank you! 
> 
> Alrighty. This is probably the last installment of this universe, unless I get the inspiration for a one shot or two. That said, I'm still writing! Please hop on the bandwagon, and come and read the collaborative fic I've been working on with two other very talented writers. We're closing in on the end, and we're so proud of our work. Please come and read 'if only i could not see it'.
> 
> Once again, thank you so much. 
> 
> H.

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the sequel I've been talking about! I have a plan for this, and it's absolutely going to be shorter than Stars In Our Eyes.
> 
> Being from Australia, you would not believe the amount of research I had to put in to the universities and their courses, and I will tell you right now that I know an uncomfortable amount about American university systems now for an Australian who isn't even going to university here. 
> 
> I hope y'all enjoy this! 
> 
> Shout out to @nose-coffee for their help. Check out here fics, y'all. She's incredible.


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